The void

I just can't get a grip of anything at the moment. I am trying to do the old things, but they really don't bring me that much joy anymore. So I breath in and out. And try something else. No, doesn't feel right. And so I breath in and out. Aaaaaand I try again. How frustrating is this?!

I am truly learning what BEING really means. I have created myself surroundings where I have absolutely nothing to do. Literally! I am living in a small apartment where there is nothing to clean. My laundry is nothing much and I don't have back yard to do any gardening. So I am learning to be. And it is not easy for sure!

We have these periods in life where we are in a void for a while. We are in this empty space where it feels like nothing is moving, nothing is happening and in your heart there is a deep silence. You are trying to figure things out, but it is just not working. I know I want to do something and I know for sure that there was a reason why I had to go through this cleansing process. But at the moment, I am in a void. Most days I can handle it very well. I am enjoying life's little things, my freedom and people around me. But then there are days like this that it is just tough! We are so used to doing things, but also controlling them and at this moment it takes all of my inner strength to be able to be still. Be without doing anything in a situation that is out of my control. My heart is just not speaking and life just isn't showing me what to do next. I am in a big time void!

And this is where the surrendering happens. Because I can not force myself into anything anymore that doesn't feel right. That's the thing. My ego is sitting in my shoulder and nagging about getting a job. Or to do this and that. But my heart is being so gentle and loving and keeps repeating "just relax, there is a reason for this".

Uuuuuuuu, to let go of control is sooooooooooo not easy!! And this is ultimately what is going on. And the more I fight against it, the more it hurts inside. The more I resist, the more frustrated and upset I get. So when feeling these feelings that are hard to take and handle, it would be the easiest way to just go to work and distract my inner process. The easiest thing to do would be to run away from these feelings instead of facing them and just continue being. This is what we normally do, don't we. When there is a void, an empty space, we want to find out something to do. Go to see a friend, we go to the gym or we take more work. Anything to distract the feelings to come up and to be seen. Because fuck, this is not easy. I am telling you. I feel like screaming, shouting and kicking like a small kid when she doesn't get what she wants, when SHE wants it! Because I have been a control freak! Totally! So stripping this part out of me, is huuuuuuuge thing! After all, it has been one of my survival mechanisms. And, did I even understand how much I was controlling things? No way! Only now I truly understand this. And I am willing to let this controlling part of me go, because at the end, it takes so much of my "good ass prana" - energy. When I am controlling things and then something goes wrong, this feeling of irritation comes soooo fast! It is like a lightning that hits me hard. So instead of that, I allow this process to take what it takes, because at the end I just want to be able to relax into the arm of life and if this is what it takes, then so be it!

I am so committed to me. Nothing else comes first. And, I am also committed to the Universe. I am committed to change this world to a better place by doing my inner work no matter what it takes! I know my time will come, but at the moment it is all about being. "Letting go of control" ´-process.

I always remember when I was going through my yoga teacher training and there was an issue that I was dealing with at that time. So I wanted to ask advice from my teacher about it. He was listening patiently and after I finished he said "no matter what you do, it is always okey with life". Meaning I can never ever do anything wrong. No matter what I decide, it is always good.

And so. If tomorrow I feel like going to ably a job, then I will. Nothing and I mean nothing can not stop life from bringing me the lessons and blessings that are meant for me. This is where I feel we people have got it wrong (but this is just my truth, just listen to yours). The more further this inner process goes on, the less I believe in these old teachings that I used to listen. With this I mean manifestation, don't believe in that anymore. I believe that things will always come when the TIMING is right. I don't believe that my thoughts can prevent anything that is meant for me to come. If I feel negative, I feel negative. If I can not always be so very positive, then so be it. If I feel anxiety and frustration, then it is so. No matter how I feel, things will flow eventually.

The "old ways" of spirituality are nice, but they are not that helpful. Many many many of them are based on fear. It's like if you don't think like this, you will not get this. If you don't meditate 100 hours a week, you will not get this. If you don't eat right, you will not get this. Well, I am here to tell you, that no matter what you do and how you feel, it is always okey to life! Everything will be brought to you when the time is right. All we have to do is relax. If we can. At the moment I can not that much, but then it is okey.

So even if I am so fed up with this being, I am going to be more! But also, if I feel like getting a job tomorrow, I will. But I will try my level best to get through this phase of just being without controlling it in any way. At the end, when we are in this phase of a void, it is hear to teach us something, before "moving on". I haven't been this person ever before, the one that I am now. So everyday I am learning more about this new person. What she likes and what she doesn't. What she likes to do and what she doesn't. And I do get these insights about myself almost everyday. Without the void, I might not get them. Or then again I might. Who knows.

But here I am. Just being. And breathing in and out. Learning to fully let go of the control. Going moment by moment. And breathing in and out again and again. And I know I will make through this phase too, as I have done with the others. Even if at the moment it feels like I am surviving day by day, so be it. I have been a control freak, so what did I expect? That this would be easy? Hell no. So I am so proud of myself for being able to just be. In this void. In this empty space. And I keep on breathing. In and out...