Just another day in Paradice

After few weeks in Finland, I am now laying in my bed and I notice that it has been both fun, but also wierd being here. I need to find my place here again. The thing just is that the Saija who used to fit into this system, doesn't exist anymore. So now there is a whole new game going on.

I don't have the answers that everybody is asking me. Like what am I going to do, where am I going to work and what is my plan for the future. Or the jokes about how long I am going to stay in Finland. The god honest truth is, I don't know. I just don't. And I can not give you the answers just to make you feel safe. And so I notice that I spend quite a lot of time by myself because I can not or honestly, I will not carry your fears anymore. If you can not support me and just be there for me, is better we take some distance. It is okey for me. I don't ask anything from you, I don't have any expectations towards you and I accept you just the way you are. I respect your life choises and I will support you in what ever you want to achieve. And I can not except nothing less from you when and if you want to be part of my life.

And so I find that all these expectations are causing a huge anxiety to me. This means that I am having powerful and beautiful days, but I also have bad days. The thing is that I voice them out. I can not pretend that the sun is shining, just to make you feel good, when in fact it is raining. What ever is going on inside of me and what ever I am going through, you will see it on me. I will voice them out if this is something I feel I need to do. It is like I ate something bad and now I have to throw it up. That's all. So why is it that you might feel very uncomfortable around me?

We are all humans. This means that we all have feelings. All kinds of feelings. And that we all have good and bad days, until we don't even have to label them anymore, because this is just life with different kinds of days. It is just the way it is. But for some reason we are taught that we are not supposed to show other people if we are having a, so called, bad day. What we always have to do is say "I am fine" even if that is not the case. So why do we feel so uncomfortable when someone is being truthful and honest and is not having "a good day"? (By the way, who is it that defines what is a good and what is a bad day? Can it be that "a bad day" can actually be "a good day"?)

Because when someone is saying that they have a bad day and better yet, shares why it is a bad day, we are forced to look at our own lives and the things that we don't want to face or see. Some kind of fear or emotion arises, that we are not willing to look at. We think, that it is just easier to wipe everything under the carpet and say that all is fine. Well, these days the energies are very strong and things are coming to the surfice whether you like it or not. Is better you acknowlidge this, so you don't have to lash it out to other people through a fight or huge anxiety and shouting. But then again, if it goes like that, then it is meant to go like that.

For me, I can not do that. I can not pretend a good day or mood, when in fact, I am sitting inside my house and crying. I don't tell you things to make things difficult or messy. I am not difficult, I am honest and there is a big difference. All my life I have heard that I am difficult and why? Just because I question everything and I am honest. And just because I am that way, I might push you out of your comfort zone and maybe you are forced to look at things you don't want to look at. What ever reaction you get around me, it is your thing, not mine. You can not do anything to me, just as I can not anything to you. If you get stressed because I cry, you might ask yourself, why do I feel uncomfortable when someone is crying? There is a gift for you there! There is a emotion, belief or limitation behind this. Have you been thaught that you are weak if you cry?

I have learned to talk about things, not by blaiming or accusing, not by fighting or shouting, but just by sharing how I feel. Just expressing my fears and thoughts. If you take this personally, you can ask yourself why? This is part of your process towards selflove, not mine. I am already dealing with mine.

And the biggest learning that I have got through these years of digging in and finding my true self is, that I always always thank the person or situation that caused my reaction. It is such a big blessing and gift. Because only through these events I can release old beliefs, fears and limitations. And again I am one step closer to me and my true freedom.

So no. I am not here to hurt you or to cause problems. I am here to learn more about honesty, truth and love. And myself and about you and about life in general. I am here to learn. Period. And just a side note, even if I do have a "bad" day, it does not mean that I am not happy or at peace. Because I am. I know already how to handle my shit when it wants to come out and this process can not ever spoil my day. My heart is always calm and happy and at peace. Just like the ocean. In the surface you might see big waves, but underneath, there is always peace and quietness.

So this is me. More honest and open then ever before. I don't hide anything, I don't play games and I will not please you just to make you feel comfortable. This is me. All of me. What you see, is what you get. Take it or leave it. The choise is yours.

"I am worthy of love, abundance, health and happiness exactly as I am. Now repeat. And again, and again."
- Unknown -