The old Saija was a people pleaser. She did not have a clue about boundaries. She did not know how to deal with her emotions and demons. She was drinking a lot and partying a lot too. She did not know how to unconditionally love anyone, least herself. She allowed people to talk and act badly towards her, because she thought that it is normal. She has been mean and temperamental. She did not see her own value or beauty. She was hard on herself and others. She did not know how to be in relationships and she was a bad ass. The old Saija has been taking in a lot of shit, but at the same time, she has been given shit to others too. She has been bully and she has been bullied.
Why I started my inner journey was the fact that I wanted to understand why I was acting as I was. Why was I allowing people to use and abuse me. Why did I do that? I already knew that this is not me. So who was I then?
It has taken me altogether 10 years of soul searching and a life time commitment to myself to get to this point. I am meeting the new Saija for the first time ever and it feels unbelievable!And so this is another journey. To get to know me all over again. How can I know yet what I want? It is impossible. I never been this before. It is like I am learning to walk and talk again. So instead of pushing myself into something "old", I have to give myself time to discover what this new me wants. The only thing that I know at this point is what I don't want!
This journey has not been easy. And it is not over until there are 10 meters of mould on top of me. So I get it why people don't want to do this. It is painful, it is hard. You go through so many emotions and dark nights of a soul that sometimes you just feel like giving up. There are days you don't want to get up from the bed. There are days that it is impossible to see people, specially the ones who don't understand this process at all. Sometimes it feels impossible to take people's comments, because they hurt so much. When you are healing from the belief that "you are nothing or nobody", you just can not be around people who keep telling you this. And they do until I have cleared that belief from inside of me.
I have not been that active, but for me, it is okey. I have needed this quiet time and I keep on listening to myself with this. I retreat whenever I have to. No one outside of me can tell me anymore what is best for me and what is not. And in order for me to find out, I need to be with that one person who can. Me.
This journey has been incredible so far. Yes, it has been hard, but at the same time, so rewarding. I feel the old fears and beliefs melting away. I feel lighter and lighter all the time. I know now how to take care of myself and how to lift myself up. I know now how to truly love myself unconditionally. No, maybe people still don't get me, but it is okey. They don't have to. Now I am totally okey with it. I know now that it has nothing to do with me. I am getting more and more powerful. I am accepting all parts of me as they are.
Because of this inner journey, I have learned that I love to laugh. I love to dance. I will never grow up! I take responsibility of myself and everything I do or say. I know that I am creating my reality, so I own that. Everything that happens to me is a huge gift, no matter what it is. I love my inner wisdom and these teachings I have got on the way. I love my healing abilities and my spirit guides. I am just starting to understand the amount of inner power that I have. I love my energy altogether. I am so proud of myself and I keep repeating that to myself every day. My courage is amazing! I am so humble and grateful in front of that. I am living my life according to my inner truth and no one else's. I have a huge respect towards myself. I learned to trust life and that it will always bring me what I need. I have learned to flow instead of forcing things to happen. And I am committed to myself, forever. I will never ever abandon myself again.
So. The new Saija can not absolutely fit into the mold of the old Saija. Or into any mold for that matter. It is just impossible. So I will finally stop trying. It feels a bit like I have been in a huge surgery and the wound is still sour. So I have to take it easy easy. Let it heal. Be around people who can support me on this. Be by myself. Be gentle and soft and just allow everything to happen. My guide is heart. My guide is love. Towards me and to all living. And that is the only way I can live. So I let my wound heal in peace and I relax. When the time is right, I will know my next step.
And that one will be huge for me, since I feel that it is the mission I came here for and the one that I have been walking towards all my life! I can so clearly see now that this is why I needed all these different experiences within different working places, courses and trainings, in my relationships and this inner journey. They are all just tools in my huge toolbox. When it is time to take my toolbox and start, who knows. But I have this strong inner feeling that it is so close. And that is just because I am finally ready to "come out" as the real Saija. No matter what people think and no matter how crazy my mission might seem to others. I cannot and I will not, fit into "the system and into the wallpaper" anymore!
So I am excited, happy and so fucking free! Whatever is meant to be my mission here, I am ready to step on it! No more old shit, but bring in the new!
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