Something new is coming

Last Saturday I went to see one of my dear friends. She had just moved to a new, beautiful apartment and to my surprise, I started to cry, when I entered inside. The feeling of something new was so powerful that it made me cry! Let me explain.

I came home from the Gambia, after 8 months, at the end of January. I came to my old hometown, to my old scenery. For months I was trying to fit myself back into the old system. And I was wondering why I am feeling anxiety and frustration. Well, I understood that I am not the same as I was. How could I be? I have done my inner work, so there is no way that I could fit into my old shoes!

When I started this journey of inner cleansing, I did not fully understand what it meant. I just knew that I was feeling so bad inside and that this person was not me. The real me. I was angry all the time, I was complaining, I was hurting people around me, I was tired. Of cause, I did have good days and good times too, but those good days were not the ones that were supposed to "awaken" me. I just knew that I was not feeling good inside, I have lost myself and that this was not the way I wanted to live my life. I did not have anything to give to anyone anymore. 

So I started my inner journey. I started to cleanse all the old beliefs, limitations and basically "inner shit" that has been blocking me to be "the real me". I started to understand that as long as I allow everybody and everything outside of me to tell me who I am and what I should do with my life, I will never be happy. And most importantly, I am giving my power away!

I never truly felt like I belong to my family. From a very early age I have felt like I am not excepted or loved. I have very strong characters in my family and they basically took all the space. When you get this experience of not being excepted, it leaves a great inner wound inside. I always believed that there was something wrong in me and that I was difficult. This is what I was told. That I am difficult. I have been fucked around by my own family, but also by some of my friends. Only few days ago I realized that if someone gives me a mean comment, I laugh!? It is so natural to me that people are meant to me, can you imagine! It took couple of days and then it hit me. It is like "what the hell did she just say to me?" It took couple of days to realize that it was not okey to say things like that. Not at all! And that I would not allow these kind of comments anymore. 

From a very early age I build up these walls around me to protect me. Of cause I did not understand that I had done so, but they were there. Only recently I have realized that I basically have never had anyone to "stand up" for me. No one. It always have been me. No wonder the walls of protection had built up so huge!

And so I wanted to understand where all my inner wounds are coming from and I wanted to understand them and heal them. I wanted to understand why I was acting the way I was. Why I was so mean sometimes. Why there are these certain events in my life that keep repeating them selves. I wanted to understand why my self esteem was so low and why I didn't have any compassion towards myself. I was finally ready to take a full responsibility of myself; all my words, all my actions and all aspects of my life. No more blaming others, no mo victim attitude, no more putting my own happiness into someone else's shoulders. My life, my happiness, my responsibility!

There are so many things that I have had to let go through out this process. I did not even understand how small is the amount of people who actually sincerely lift me up, instead of pulling me down. How could I have ever learned to lift people up, when I never was?! From my own experience I have to say that if and when, you start to listen to your inner voice and you face the things in your life that are not making you happy, it is worth it. Even if you have to leave some situations and people behind. For me, I just knew that it is time for me to move on. My inner peace, love and happiness is the most important thing, because only from that space I can be truly happy and joyful. And only from that space I can truly give to others the love that they deserve. Our job in this life is to be happy. Really. Can you imagine! We think life is about titles, big cars, big boobs or about nice outfit. These things will never ever bring you happiness unless..... You are happy inside first. This is what universe wants for you. For you to be happy and everything else will be brought to you. But. The job to make yourself happy is yours. Not anybody else's! Not your spouse, not your religion, not your family, not your friends. YOU!

This is what I have learned through this process. We humans have this huge inner power. We have this universal wisdom that is hidden inside of all of us. It is huge! Even me, I am just starting to understand it myself. We are all playing so small. Really! The whole world is open to us, but because of our fear, we stay we are. We play small, because we are scared what other people might say. We are scared that we end up alone. We are scared that people will get angry to us. So we stay where we are just to keep everyone, but ourselves, happy. But the god honest truth is, that only you can know what is best for you. Only you know how you feel inside and how you feel when you are alone. Only you can know what food is good for you and what is not. Who is good to you and who is not. What kind of clothes you like and what kind of hair style you want. ONLY YOU.

So. If you truly and fully want to come into your own power, dig in. Not out. The only way to become the powerful creature that we are, is to close your ears from all the outside noise and start to listen to your own heart. If you want to be truly happy, this is the only way. It will always and I mean always lead you into the right path. Not easy, I know, but necessary. In fact these days, if someone becomes irritated about something I say or do, I get so happy! This means that this persons heart wants to talk and have space, but "the old" is fighting against that. So every time someone gets annoyed, I thank for it. So actually, you are giving this person a huge gift! You are giving them a possibility to grow and learn something new about themselves. 

We are so used to listening to other peoples opinions. We are conditioned by our families, friends, culture, religion, work and so on. It takes a lot of courage to start to listen only yourself. Yes, people will get hurt. Yes, people will not understand. Yes, you will loose some people, but also at the same time, you will get new people in. The ones that actually want good things for you. The ones that want to see you shine. As long as you listen ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING other then your heart, you are giving your power away. It is this simple. 

And so I tried to fit myself into this small box when I came home from the Gambia. But this is not possible anymore. How could it be, because I am not the same anymore! I don't take shit anymore. I don't want to make myself small anymore just so that someone else would feel comfortable. I want to, for the first time in my life, surround myself with loving and caring people who actually lift me up, instead of putting me down. I need an uplifting environment and people that support my creative nature. That support my joyfulness and happiness.

Now I am in charge. I am the one who is driving the car called "my life". I know my boundaries, no more people pleasing. It is like I have these two sides in me. One is all about unconditional love and acceptance towards everybody and anything. No judgement here what so ever! The other side is the private one. It is like the "Big Saija" is now taking care of the "Baby Saija" that never was taken care of. I know every corner of myself. I know what I like and what I don't like. I live only by listening my heart and I just don't give a fuck what people say about me. Let them talk, they always will. I am in my full power and I know my self worth. I love deeply and unconditionally. I don't expect anything from anyone. I don't play games and I don't lie. I own my words and my actions. I have an inner peace that I can not describe. I still feel all the emotions that we humans have, like anger and anxiety, but now it doesn't bother me. The inner peace is always present. Anger just tells me that someone is behaving disrespectful towards me and it is time for me to take distance. Anxiety just tells me that there is something I need to understand and see, before forward movement can occur. My sensitivity towards energies have grown soooooo much, I can not believe it. If I would have known that this kind of state of being is possible, I would have started my inner journey a long time ago!

So. When I entered my friends house, I actually got an energetic glimpse of what is coming to me. The amount of lightness, love and happiness that I felt was so amazing that I have never felt it before! It was so beautiful, that it made me cry! All this beautiful new is coming. And it is only for me!

And so I relax. I allow everything to flow and come when the timing is right. For the first time in my life I am in a place of self worth that allows me to receive all this beauty in my life. And I fully, for the first time in my life believe, that I truly deserve it!