Viimeinen postaus - Last post

(After Finnish, the text is translated in English. So please roll down, if you prefer English. You can find my new blog here: I create my own fairy tale!)

On tullut aika jättää hyvästit tälle blogille, joka on palvellut minua päiväkirjan muodossa vuodesta 2016. Blogini avulla olen saanut kirjoitettua auki sisäistä puhdistumistani ja näin olen saanut itsekin paljon ymmärrystä omasta prosessistani. Aina, kun kirjoitan tai puhun asiat auki, ne avautuvat paremmin myös itselleni. Olen oppinut, että minulla on sana hallussa eli osaan kirjoittaa loistavasti. Myös moni turha pelko on saanut kyytiä juuri sen vuoksi, että blogini on ollut kaikkien luettavissa. Todella henkilökohtaisten asioiden avaaminen julkisesti, on paitsi vapauttavaa, se on myös tuonut minut kirjoitus kirjoituksen jälkeen lähemmäs todellista itseäni.

Tämä polku on ollut pitkä ja kivinen, mutta joka ikisen haasteen arvoinen. Olen oppinut, että kaikki on minussa. Ihan kaikki se, mitä ennen hain itseni ulkopuolelta. Olen oppinut hyväksymään itseni juuri sellaisena kuin olen ja sen lisäksi ne piirteet, joita ennen kirosin, ovatkin muuttuneet siunaukseksi. Tekeväthän ne minut osaltaan juuri sellaiseksi kuin olen. Ainutlaatuiseksi.

En mitenkään voinut tietää mihin olotilaan päädyn tämän matkani aikana. Olen ilman muuta kuullut puhuttavan autuudesta, keveydestä ja totaalisesta vapaudesta, mutta eihän niitä voi mitenkään käsittää, ennen kuin ne itse kokee. Nyt on viimein aika päästää irti kaikesta vanhasta. Kiittää ja siunata opeista, joita olen saanut ja jotka olen rohkeasti kohdannut.

Elämä ei ole pelkkää shampanjalasien kilinää. Meissä asuu käsittämätön pelko kohdata kipeitä asioita itsessämme ja näin pakenemme niitä mitä erinäisimmin tavoin. Itse kiitän itseäni sydämeni pohjasta, että elämän polkuni johti sisäisen puhdistuksen tielle, sillä en vaihtaisi tätä olotilaa enää mihinkään. Ulkopuolisen silmissä on ehkä näyttänyt siltä, että olen uinut tunneaallokoissa (niin kuin olenkin!) ja että olen koko ikäni poukkoillut tilanteesta toiseen. Nyt tiedän, että olen edelläkävijä ja olen siitä äärimmäisen ylpeä. Olen uskaltanut tuoda näkyville sen, mitä niin moni pakoilee ja piilottelee. Olen rohkeasti seurannut elämäni virtaa ja sallinut kaikenlaisten muutosten tulla. Ja rohkeasti olen ottanut nuo muutokset vastaan. Mikään muu tässä elämässä ei lopulta ole varmaa muuta kuin kuolema ja muutos. Minä olen sinut molempien kanssa.

Nyt olen jonkin uuden, mielettömän mahtavan edessä ja minun on aika jatkaa elämääni privaatisti. Tuntuu kuin olisin lentokone, joka odottaa lennonjohdolta lähtölupaa. Juuri tässä hetkessä monikaan asia ei ole linjassa sydämeni ohjauksen kanssa. Siispä on muutoksen aika. Linjata ne asiat, jotka eivät enää palvele ja resonoi ja tehdä näin tilaa sille, joka on minulle tarkoitettu.

Jätän blogini auki, sillä voihan olla, että sinäkin päätät aloittaa sisäisen matkasi. Toivon, että omat kokemukseni voivat tuoda sinulle apua ja lohtua. Ehkä uusia näkemyksiäkin matkallasi kohti omaa aitoa itseäsi ja omaa totuuttasi. Minä olen omani löytänyt ja nyt edessäni on ikään kuin tyhjä valkoinen taulu, jota saan alkaa värittelemään ihan uusin värein, uusin silmin, joita pelko ei enää pääse tummentamaan. Kiitos kaikille teille, jotka olette olleet matkallani mukana tavalla tai toisella.

Minä olen viimein se muutos, jonka haluan tässä maailmassa nähdä ja pienelllä omalla panoksellani lupaan lisätä rakkautta tähän maailmaan niin paljon kuin mahdollista. Sillä lopulta, rakkaus voittaa kaiken!

Halauksin,
Saija :o)


IN ENGLISH

The time has come to say goodbye to this blog, that has been serving me as a diary ever since 2016. Through my blog I have had a change to open my inner journey to myself and this way I have gotten a lot of understanding about my own process and myself. Always when I write or talk, things open up to me more clearly. Through this blog I have learned that I am actually good with words and with writing. Also many of my fears have been released, because my blog has been public. To share such a personal things, is not only freeing, but it has also taken me more and more closer to my true self.

This journey has been long and hard, but worth of every challenge. I have learned, that everything is already in me. All the things that I used to look from outside. I have learned to accept myself fully just the way I am and those characters that I used to curse, have now changed into blessings. After all, those characters are the ones that make me who I am. Unique.

I could have not imagined the inner state I end up after this journey. Of cause, I had heard people talking about bliss, new kind of lightness and total freedom, but these are things, that are impossible to understand, until you experience them yourself. Now, it is finally time to let the old go. Give big thanks to all the lessons I have got and boldly faced.

Life is not all about champagne class chinks. Inside of us there lives this huge fear of facing things that are hurtful and we run from those things in many different ways. I thank myself from the bottom of my heart that life lead me into this inner cleansing journey, because the way I feel now inside, is something that I wouldn't trade for anything. If you have been following this journey or you have been part of my life for a long time, it might have looked like I have been swimming in the emotional "up and down" -waves (and I have!) and that I have been bouncing from one situation to another all my life. Now I know that I have been a forerunner and I am so proud of this. I have had the courage to bring out in pubic those things, that so many of us are hiding and running away from. I have bravely followed the flow of life and I have allowed all the changes to come. And I have embraced those changes. After all, the only thing that is sure in life, is death and change. I am very okey with both of them.

Now I am in front of something amazingly new and it is time to continue my journey in private. I feel like I am an airplane and I am just waiting for permission to fly. Right now, in this very moment, not many things in my life, are aligned with my heart. How could it be, since I am not the same person anymore! So it is time for change. It is time to align those things that don't serve or resonate with me anymore and this way, make room for the things that are meant for me.

I will leave my blog open. You never know, maybe you decide to start your own inner journey at some point. I hope that my experiences can bring you hope and comfort. Maybe you get some new perspectives when you are bit by bit making your way into your true self and towards your own truth. I have found mine and now it is like I have a white, empty painting in front of me. And I can start to paint this canvas with new, fresh colors and with new eyes that are not blocked with the darkness of fear. I want to thank all of you for sharing this journey with me one way or another.

I am finally the change I want to see in this world and with this change of mine, I promise to add love to this world as much as I can. At the end, it is love that conquers all!

Hugs,
Saija :o)

Olen liian hankala!

Huomaan, että tänään pintaan nousee ikivanha, iso uskomus - haava, joka viimein pyytää päästä näkyväksi ja näin vapautetuksi. Tätä uskomusta on toki kuorittu tässä vuosien varrella pikku hiljaa auki, mutta nyt on aika päästää siitä kokonaan irti. Antakaahan, kun valaisen asiaa hiukan enemmän.

Olen koko ikäni kuullut olevani hankala. Vaikea. Liikaa. Ärsyttävä. Pelottava. Olen ollut hyvinkin tietoinen tästä uskomuksesta. Sillä uskomushan se on, eikä missään nimessä totta. Nyt on viimein tullut aika repiä haava auki, antaa sen pikku hiljaa umpeutua ja näin parantua ja poistua minusta kokonaan. On aivan mahtavaa huomata miten itseohjautuvaksi olen vuosien varrella tullut. Ennen vanhaan olisin tarvinnut ulkopuolista apua saadakseni kiinni siitä miksi ehkä ahdistaa ja itkettää. Nyt annan kaikenlaisten tunteiden nousta. Makaan sohvallani ja hengitän. Mielessäni mantraan: "Hengittele vaan, sisään ja ulos. Juuri noin. Loistavaa rakas!"

En halua enää olla tämän uskomuksen peili myöskään muille. Antakaahan, kun avaan tätäkin hiukan lisää.

Olen huomannut, että minun on tänä päivänä äärimmäisen hankala olla ihmisten kanssa, jotka edelleen syyttävät muita olotiloistaan tai tuntemuksistaan. Toisin sanoen heidän, jotka eivät ole ottaneet vastuuta itsestään. Itselleni on nimittäin kristallin kirkasta, että jos ärsyynnyn tai hermostun, kyse ei ole kenestäkään muusta, kuin itsestäni ja omasta sisäisestä maailmastani. Jos reagoidun jostain, haluan käsitellä asian itseni kanssa syytämättä pahaa oloani muille tai syyttämättä ketään reaktiostani. Olen omalla uskomuksellani myös ottanut  vastuulleni muiden reaktioita. Olen tuntenut syyllisyyttä ja miettinyt pääni puhki sanoinko jotain väärää tai teinkö jotain loukkaavaa.

Jos minä jostain syystä pelotan sinua, voisit kysyä itseltäsi miksi? Mitään sellaista et voi minussa nähdä, mitä ei sinussa olisi. Jos siis pelotan sinua, missä annat vielä periksi muille? Miksi et uskalla astua omaan voimaasi? Miellytätkö vielä muita? Ovatko omat rajasi epäselvät? Piiloudutko vielä jonkinlaisten maskien ja naamioiden taakse? Pelottaako autenttisuus sinua? Pystytkö olemaan vilpittömästi oma itsesi huolimatta missä olet vai vieläkö piiloudut roolien taakse?

Jos olen mielestäsi ärsyttävä, niin voit kysyä itseltäsi miksi? Jos vaikkapa se, että olen oma itseni ärsyttää, niin voisit kysyä itseltäsi onko jotain, mitä vielä itseltäsi piilottelet? Missä kohtaa et uskalla olla rehellinen? Kenelle et uskalla sanoa niitä asioita, joita sydämesi ohjaa sinua sanomaan? Missä elämässäsi et uskalla olla rehellinen, aito?

Huomaatko nyt? Minä en voi pelottaa, ärsyttää tai olla liikaa kenellekään, joka seisoo omassa voimassaan juuri sellaisena kuin on. En voi olla hankala tai liikaa kenellekään, joka tuntee oman itsensä, on ottanut täyden vastuun itsestään ja elämästään. Minun sisäinen voimani ei voi olla liikaa kenellekään, jonka oma sisäinen voima saa kukoistaa ja olla valloillaan. Kun vastakkain on kaksi itsenäistä, vastuuntuntoista ihmistä, ei ole mitään mikä voisi pelottaa. Eikä ole edes juurikaan peilattavaa. Kun kaksi aikuista ihmistä kohtaa, on ihmissuhteissa itseasiassa ihan äärimmäisen helppo olla, sillä silloin jaamme vilpittömästi ajatuksiamme elämästä ja ihmisenä olemisesta. Saan ja annan, tasavertaisesti. Hyväksyn ja tulen hyväksytyksi.

Huomaatko nyt, minä en voi ärsyttää ketään, mutta voin aiheuttaa sinussa tunnereaktion, joka on sinun juttusi, ei minun. Vain sinä voit lopulta tietää miksi ärsytän tai miksi pelotan. Tai miksi koet minut hankalaksi. Ja tämä kaikki on lopulta lahja itsellesi, sillä istumalla näiden tunteiden kanssa alas, opit lopulta aika paljon lisää itsestäsi. Hyvässä lykyssä jopa vapaudut jostain vanhasta taakasta ja olosi kevenee 100 %! Jospa siis lopulta olenkin sinulle lahja, niin kuin sinä olet minulle?

Liian kauan olen sallinut itseni olla "hankala, liikaa tai pelottava" ja ilman muuta tämä uskomus on heijastunut elämääni tavalla tai toisella. Olenhan kuullut sen ihan suoraan sanottavankin. Tällä uskomuksella olen myös ikään kuin nostanut itseni jotenkin muita voimallisemmaksi, vaikka totuus on, että meissä kaikissa asuu sama sisäinen voima, joka vain tarvitsee valjastaa käyttöön. Ja näin minä olen tehnyt ja tätä valtavaa vapautta, sisäistä voimaa, sinä minusta katsot. Sillä se on sinussa yhtä sata varmasti, kuin se on minussa. Tässä maskien ja "kaikki hyvin" -feikkien maailmassa omana, aitona itsenä oleminen on haastavaa. Kyllä! Todellakin tiedän tunteen. Mutta minä olen päättänyt voittaa pelkoni. Minä olen päättänyt tiputtaa maskit ja kaiken epäaidon ja sallia itseni olla kaikenlainen. Minä olen päättänyt huolehtia itsestäni sekä fyysisesti, että henkisesti. Ilman muuta se näkyy kehossani ja aitona olemisena. Minä teen "töitä" itseni eteen, sillä minä tykkään sillä lailla itsestäni. Koen, että olen sen arvoinen. Todellakin.

Olen itse omassa voimassani eli olen oma, aito itseni ja elän elämääni itseni näköisesti, huolimatta siitä mitä muut sanovat - ilman naamioita. Voi olla, että jos vietämme aikaa yhdessä, tämä energia puhuttelee jotain sinussa. Sillä lopulta, tämä autenttisuus on jokaikisen luonnollinen olotila. Ja tämän sydämesi muistaa. Ai niin, tätä se oli. Ja koska tuo luonnollinen olotila, tuo sisäinen voima, haluaa tehdä lisää tilaa kaikenlaisten pelkojen keskeltä, sinussa voi herätä jokin tunnereaktio, kuten: "toi on liian värikäs, toi on liian äänekäs, toi on liian hankala" jne. Totuus on, että juuri nuo ominaisuudet sinussa pyrkivät näkyviksi! Enää en kuitenkaan suostu olemaan vastuussa niistä tunteista, joita sinussa ehkä seurassani nousee. Vastuu niistä on sinulla.

En aio siis enää ottaa hankalan, ärsyttävän tai pelottavan naisen titteliä harteilleni, vaan päästän ilolla ja rakkaudella näistä titteleistä irti. Ja ehkä näin avaan viimein kanavat niille ihmisille, jotka vilpittömästi haluavat olla kanssani jokaisessa elämäni mutkassa. Niin kuin minä haluan olla läsnä heille. Ja ehkä näin jokainen joka niin haluaa, saa astua tuohon omaan autenttiseen voimaansa, jota minusta ehkä peilaat. Sillä lopulta, miten näin pieni, ihana, iloinen ja nauravainen akka, voisi mitenkään olla liikaa kenellekään?! Sehän on ihan naurettava ajatus!

Täytyy kyllä tässä kohti vielä sanoa, että on ollut ihanaa opetella olemaan yksin. Ei siis ole sattumaa, että monta ihmistä on tipahtanut elämästäni pois. Olen ilman muuta kipuillut ja itkenyt. Olen tuntenut itseni hylätyksi. Helppoa tämä ei ole ollut, sillä meidät on niin pienestä pitäen ehdollistettu toisiin ihmisiin ja muiden hyväksyntään. Noh, kun nyt viimein olen siinä pisteessä, että olen mieluummin yksin, kuin "puolinaisessa seurassa", tunnen oloni voittajaksi. Yksin oleminen ei enää perustu egon suorittavaan versioon, vaan valtavaan sisäiseen rakkauteen, jossa minä vietän laatuaikaa, joka hetki, elämäni tärkeimmän ihmisen kanssa - itseni. Minun ei enää tarvitse juosta karkuun töihin, harrastuksiin, suhteisiin miesten kanssa tai baareihin. Nyt jos teen mitään edellä mainituista, teen sen tietoisesti ja silloin minulla on siihen vilpitön tahtotila. Ja ennen kaikkea, nautin kybällä!

Niinpä kiitän jokaista sinua, joka olet saanut minusta jonkinlaisen reaktion ja osoittanut sen minulle monin erinäisin tavoin. Näin tämäkin haava tuli pikku hiljaa kuorituksi esiin ja nyt viimein lopullisesti minulle näkyväksi, irtipäästettäväksi ja vapautettavaksi.  Kiitän, että olet antanut minulle tilaa opetella olemaan itseni kanssa aidosti, rakkaudella. Yksin, muttei yksinäisenä. Nyt jokainen saa  ottaa vastuun itsestään ja tunteistaan ja näin minä olen viimein toisten tunnetaakoista vapaa!

Elämä on mielenkiintoista!

Tiedättehän miten yksi meistä on kiinnostunut historiasta ja toinen avaruustieteistä. Toinen uppoutuu musiikin maailmaan ja toinen rakastaa tutkia mereneläviä. Meillä jokaisella on omat mielenkiinnon kohteemme ja minulla se on ihmismieli, oma henkinen hyvinvointini ja henkimaailma.

Olen aina ollut aika intuitiivinen sitä lainkaan tajuamatta. Toisille meistä tämä on selvää pässinlihaa jo pienestä pitäen, mutta minulle ei. Elämän tapahtumat, luojan kiitos, pakottivat jossain kohti katsomaan syvälle sisimpään ja sitä mukaa, kun vanhat kuormat riisuttiin, intuition ääni ja herkkyys henkimaailmaan kasvoi. Ensin sitä oli tietysti ihmeissään, mutta toisaalta minussa heräsi valtava into. Suoranainen kihelmöinti.

Vuosien matka itseen on tuonut minulle tietoutta ihmismielen koukeroista niin syvällisesti, ettei sitä voisi mistään kirjoista oppia. Olen siis itse ollut "henkisen matkan" koekaniini. Olen kokenut tällä matkalla vaikka minkälaista settiä. Olen sallinut sen itselleni ja nyt jälkikäteen ymmärrän, että tietyt asiat vain kuuluvat tähän matkaan eli ne ovat luonnollinen osa tätä prosessia. Yleensä on niin, että kun lähdemme kokemaan uutta, se viedään monta kertaa äärimmäisyyksiin ja pikku hiljaa vaaka-kupit alkavat tasoittumaan. Näin kävi myös minulle. Vetäisin oikein kunnon "henkiset överit" ja luulin sitten olevani niin paljon viisaampi ja autuaampi kuin kukaan muu. Eli kyllä. Nostin itseni jonnekin henkiselle jalustalle, josta käsin totesin kaikessa ylhäisyydessäni, että "noi ei tajuu".

Noh, luojan kiitos elämällä on tapana potkaista takalistoon silloin, kun tarvitsemme ripauksen nöyryyttä ja muistutuksen siitä, että me kaikki ollaan tässä sopassa nimeltä "elämä", yhdessä. Tämä nöyryys tuo tullessaan myös tiedon siitä, että jokaisen polku on yhtä arvokas ja yhtä merkityksellinen. Tässä universumin palapelissä kaikki on valmiiksi suunniteltua ja jokaista palaa tarvitaan, jotta tämä ikuisesti muuttuva palapeli pysyy kasassa. Nyt, tässä kohtaa elämääni, minulla on vilpitön rakkaus kaikkia ja kaikkea kohtaan ja ymmärrän nyt, ettei minun tarvitse pelastaa ketään, eikä jaella elämän viisauksia Facbook seinälläni. Jokainen löytää kyllä itselleen sopivan polun ihan itse. Samoin ne opit ja opettajat, joita tarvitsee. Jos tarvitsee ja mikäli löytyy kiinnostusta kehittää myös tätä henkistä puolta itsessään.

Itselleni on äärimmäisen tärkeää elää tätä ihan normaali elämää kuitenkin niin, etten enää pienennä itseäni millään lailla, enkä enää kiellä mitään puolia itsessäni. Päinvastoin. Olen oppinut todella arvostamaan niitä ominaisuuksia itsessäni, joita ennen kirosin. Niitä, jotka tekevät minusta ainutlaatuisen, mutta joita ennen vanhaan pidin omituisina. Sillä näin minulle oli yhteiskunta ja elämäni ihmiset opettaneet. Ja minähän tietenkin pidin muiden totuutta totena, omanani. Onneksi tiedän nyt paremmin ja onneksi uskalsin lähteä etsimään omaa totuuttani.

Olen avautunut energioille. Kaikenlaisille. Tiedän aamulla herättyäni millainen energia yleisesti sillä hetkellä vallitsee. Tunnen energian muutokset kollegtiivisesti ja tiedän melkeinpä välittömästi mitä energiaa käymme ihmiskuntana läpi. Tämä on ollut ihanaa uuden oppimista. Energiaherkkyys on kasvanut kaikin puolin. Pystyn aistimaan toisen mielentiloja ja jos näen jonkun fyysisesti tiedän kyllä heti, mitä elämässä on menossa, vaikkei niistä puhuttaisi ääneen.

Ymmärrän nyt, että vähäinen tavaramäärä on minulle välttämätöntä, jotta en kuormitu liikaa, sillä liialla tavaralla varustettu koti on minulle energeettisesti tukala. Ymmärrän nyt myös miksi pidän paikat siistinä. Tämä pitää paitsi asuinympäristöni energiat puhtaana, mutta myös omat energiani pysyvät balanssissa. Ahdistun liiallisen tavaramäärän keskellä tai kovin tunkkaisessa ja sotkuisessa miljöössä. Energia jää kaikkeen kiinni. Niin se vain on. Ja minä tunnen sen. Ymmärrän nyt, että tarvitsen paljon aikaa yksin ja luonnon keskellä, sillä se pitää minut tiiviisti omassa keskuksessani, enkä näin lähde mukaan "muiden mielentiloihin", jotka eivät minulle kuulu. En usko enää energia suojauksiin tai siihen, että jonkun toisen energia voisi tehdä minulle mitään, sillä oma energiakehoni on nyt ehjä. Sitä ei voi enää mikään läpäistä.

Kun mieleni keveni, sai myös henkimaailma lisätilaa. Olen avautunut tälle puolelle minussa pikku hiljaa, silllä tämä on ollut prosessi siinä missä mikä tahansa muukin uusia asia. Sille pitääkin antaa aikaa. Joskus menee kuukausia, etten kuule tai näe mitään. Silloin olen kyseenalaistanut omat kykyni, vaikka kyseessä on ollut henkimaailman kunnioitus minua ja prosessiani kohtaan. Joskus tarjottimellani on vain ollut niin paljon muuta mietittävää, ettei siinä hetkessä ole ollut tilaa enää muulle. Ihmismieli on äärimmäisen rajallinen, emmekä me pysty mitenkään käsittämään tätä suurta kokonaisuutta, jossa elämme ja sen tarkoituksen mukaisuutta. Emme mitenkään pysty selittämään kaikkea, vaikka kuinka tutkimme ja haluaisimme tietää totuuden. Noh, henkimaailmassa tämä kaikki tiedetään. Niin se vain on.

On ollut ihana antautua tälle puolelle itsessäni ja kun viimein olen oppinut itse arvostamaan sitä, niin kappas vaan, saan arvostusta myös itseni ulkopuolelta. Viimeksi eilen kuulin, että tämä on lahja. Tämä selvänäköisyys- ja kuuloisuus. Tämä herkkyys energioille, josta ennen olen itseäni ruoskinut. Mutta totta tosiaan. Minulla on lahja, jonka annan tästä eteenpäin puhjeta täyteen kukkaansa. Gambiassa eläminen tämän puolen kanssa on ollut paljon helpompaa, sillä siellä henkimaailma on osa kulttuuria ja sitä itseasiassa arvostetaan. Täällä tämä lahja on arvostelun kohde, joka tuomitaan, jolle nauretaan, jota ei arvosteta ja jota ei ymmärretä lainkaan. Hörhöilyksi kutsutaan. Tänä päivänä annan jokaisen ajatella ihan miten itse haluaa, se ei vaivaa minua enää, enkä anna sen estää minua toteuttamasta tätä puolta itsessäni.

Tänä päivänä olen yhteydessä henkioppaisiini koko ajan. Jos jokin asia mietityttää, istun alas, olen hiljaa ja kysyn neuvoa. Vastaus tulee aina. Vastaus, joka ei välttämättä ole sitä mitä haluan kuulla, mutta jonka hyväksyn vilpittömästi. Sillä, he tietävät niin paljon enemmän kuin minä. Ja rakkaus, jota he tuntevat minua kohtaan, on niin valtavaa, etten osaa sitä sanoin kuvailla.

Myös edesmenneet ovat aktivoituneet. Näen ja kuulen heitä paljon. Tämä maailma vetää puoleensa kuin magneetti, sillä heillä on niin paljon tietoa, joka meiltä täällä ihmiselämässä puuttuu. Kuten sanoin, ihmisen mieli on TODELLA rajallinen. Henkimaailma on maailma, jonka kanssa tahdon tehdä yhteistyötä. Ilman muuta ja ehdottomasti! Opin niin paljon heiltä ja heidän apunsa meille täällä maan päällä on korvaamatonta.

Siispä hyväksyn viimein täysin tämän puolen itsessäni, sillä tottahan se on. Minulla on lahja. Toisilla se on lauluääni, minulla se on tämä. Muun muassa. Yksi siis tietää kaikkien kalojen nimet ja elinalueet. Toinen tuntee koko Englannin historian läpikotaisin. Yksi haluaa tutkia avaruuden valtavaa kauneutta ja toinen tekee lauluja laulujen perään. Minun kiinnostuksen kohteeni on henkimaailma. Taito, joka itseasiassa on meillä kaikilla, jos vain avaudumme sille. Tiedän jo, että tulevaan kuuluu yhteistyö edesmenneiden kanssa. Ja tästä olen hyvin innoissani. En tiedä miten tämä tulee käytännössä toteutumaan, mutta minulla ei ole mitään kiirettä. Ja minulla on täysi luottamus tuonne yläkertaan. Minua ohjataan kyllä. Tilanteet vain tapahtuvat ilman sen kummempaa haloota. Luonnollisesti.

Minulta on joskus kysytty mikä on minun intohimoni. Jos saisin tehdä ihan mitä vaan ilman, että minun tarvitsisi miettiä rahaa tai muiden ihmisten mielipiteitä. Mitä tekisin? Noh, nyt minulla on vastaus tähän kysymykseen. Olen viimein löytänyt intohimoni pelkojeni ja uskomusteni takaa ja olen kuin pikku tyttö karkkikaupassa. Enkä anna enää minkään estää minua, sillä häpeän sijaan, olen ylpeä.

Mikä on sinun intohimosi, jos sinulla ei olisi mitään rajoitteita itsesi ulkopuolelta?

Ihmisen mieli ja keho on todella mielenkiintoinen kokonaisuus. Siihen kuuluu niin paljon ja kaiken tulisi olla tasapainossa, jotta voisimme oikeasti hyvin. Ei voi olla kehoa ja mieltä ilman sielua (eli henkisyyttä). Hengitän, olen siis henki eli sielu eli henkinen. Ei se sen kummempaa ole. Yhtä lailla kuin pidämme huolen kehosta liikunnan avulla tiedän nyt, että mielen ja sielun huoltaminen on aivan yhtä tärkeää. Ne ovat suoraan yhteydessä kehon hyvinvointiin. Ja päinvastoin. Itseasiassa on ihan hullua, että tästä on tehty "hörhöilyä", sillä itse näen nyt, että ennen kaikkea tämä minusta kokonaisuutena huolehtiminen, on äärimmäistä viisautta. Sehän olisi ihan sama kuin jos antaisimme vauvalle ruuan ja vaihtaisimme vaipan, mutta emme koskaan ottaisi sitä syliin ja halittelisi häntä?!?

Siispä yksi käy kalassa ja saa mielen rauhoittumaan sillä. Toinen meditoi ja yksi lukee elämäntaitokirjoja. Toinen kiikaroi avaruutta ja toinen etsii uusia kasvisruokareseptejä netistä. Yksi hakee kiksit laskuvarjohypystä ja toinen polttelee pilveä silloin tällöin. So be it. Minä keskustelen kuolleiden kanssa ja vedän diskojumppia olohuoneessani. Eikös elämä olekin aivan mahtavaa?!?!?!!

As I began to love myself

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know “THAT IS LIFE”!

~Charlie Chaplin

This text is so spot on that I could not write it better myself. This is why I wanted to share it with you. It is exactly where I am today. No more boxes, but authentic freedom and self love. Peace & love to you too!

My ascension journey - I am a bad ass!

And if you have gone through this journey, so are you! A bad ass! I hope you remember to give yourself thanks everyday!

If I am totally honest I never knew what was waiting for me when I started my ascension journey. Actually, I did not know that it was a ascension journey! This is such a huge thing that it is hard to even put it into words. But let me try.

This all started with so called "awakening". It started from this insight that I was not truly happy. It was like something was bothering me all the time somewhere deep inside of me. And you could have not see this from outside, because I was hiding it so well. I was restless and constantly looking for something. Something. This journey started from the feeling like I don't belong anywhere. I felt that I was so cruel to myself, meaning there was little or non self love or respect towards myself. I was hurting people around me with my words and actions. I was hurting myself. I was not happy with my work. I was constantly looking for a better place. As was the case with apartments too. I started to question if there would be more in this life then "nine to five" -job. I did not want to drink that much anymore, because I started to realize that I was drinking to escape something. I allowed people to use my kind heart, because I wanted to fit in. I had no boundaries what so ever. I did not see my own beauty. Well, if I am totally honest, there was sooooo many things that led me into this journey, that I would probably have to write a book in order to go through it all. And now don't get me wrong. There was plenty of good things in my life too, but these things mentioned up, were the ones that "woke me up".

Anyway, I started to question everything and everybody in my life. Mostly myself. And so I started to go through my childhood and my memories bit by bit. Through this process, I got to understand why I was reacting to some people and situations as I was. I actually got to question everything in my life. I got new perspectives. I got more understanding towards myself. I started to feel more sympathy towards myself and others. We are so full of wounds, traumas and false beliefs, that it is impossible to peal all the layers at once. It would be too painful. This period took years and there was no way I could have done this without help. So I started layer by layer. Like an onion. And just when I thought "thank god, now I am done", something else jumped out. And so I was living my everyday life with this intention to heal myself  by allowing everything that was not serving me anymore, to come to the surface to be seen, healed and then released. Forgiveness played a huge part in this phase.

The most powerful thing in this journey has been the commitment towards myself. Nothing and no one could not come between me and me. I just knew that I have to put myself first no matter what people say. No matter if anyone understands or not. I come first. And I said to the Universe: "I am WILLING to love myself fully. I am WILLING to learn what unconditional love is. I commit to myself with all my being, no matter what it takes. I will NOT give in no matter what. I am this important to me." When you are willing to do this commitment towards yourself, the Universe starts to work "for you". It starts to bring events and people to your life that might seem bad or hard, but they are there only to teach you something about yourself. They are there to show you the way to get closer to your authentic self. Nothing happens TO you, it all happens FOR you. Specially the hard events, they are eventually the most biggest blessings.

And so the cleansing phase started. The old beliefs, fears and the amount of anger that I had inside of me that I never knew I had! Wow! When all this anger came out, oh my! I was on the floor crying for an hour and thank god, I got help. Very powerful it was! I did not know this about me at all! This cleansing phase took years. I could say that I started around 2008 and this phase ended on January 2019. So yeah, hell of a 10 years I can say! And I thought that thank god. Now it is over and I can get back into my old life with new tools. Well, little did I know!

After the past experiences had been cleansed, started the "stripping of the old Saija" phase. I had to let go of the old roles and tittles. I needed to become "nothing" in order to actually be "everything". I wrote about this earlier and if you want learn more about this, you will find the text here: Finally I am miss Nobody

After miss Nobody phase, came the relationship part. This part had been going on through out the whole process, but now I truly needed to do something about this. And so I went through the people in my life. Bit by bit, one by one. This has been hard, because I very soon started to understand how small is the amount of people in my life who actually are there for me as I am for them. This was very sad. And I have cried a lot. But I needed to really sit down and see who are being real and who are not. Who is making the same effort towards me as I am towards them and who are not. And the ones that are not as committed as I am, needed to go. I knew that I can not settle anymore for anything else then "all or nothing". I have been questioning this part a lot, because it is not easy. But. After all, it is the people in your life that show you through their actions how loved and valuable you are. This has a huge affect to ones self esteem. During this phase I found out that I have to let most of the people go and that I have to find "my best friend and my soul family" inside of me. Only by doing this, I can then invite the true, honest, committed and loving people in.

Within this phase I also found out that I am not in the same page with many people and how could we be. I am committed to me and I am doing my inner work everyday, so my consciousness level keeps rising and rising. I was never asking people to understand me, but just to accept me. Like I accepted them. Again, it did not happen for the most part. But still, I could not allow this to stop me. With my commitment towards me, I am not using any excuses. I always have time for me. I always put myself first. Nothing is "too expensive" for me. I am willing to do what ever for me. We all know that with some people, you feel totally at home, you can be exactly who you are, but with some, it is just not a match. And this is okey. It is not like this is better then this one. No. It is just different, that's all. Some people are meant to be in our lives longer, but some just come for a short visit.

After this relationship part, I understood that here started this "learning to be alone" phase. I had to learn how to be alone. And this is also one reason why most of the people had to go for awhile. We are so attached to people in our lives. We are mothers, sisters, grannies, wives and husbands and how many times we are living our lives through someone else. I know I have. People in our lives tell us how to be and what to do. And we do what ever they want so that they don't get angry at us and so that they would accept us. And this is why it was so important to learn to be by myself. I needed to learn how to make myself happy and joyful. Before you truly learn how to be alone, before you truly start to value yourself without people pleasing and before you are totally free by yourself, you can never ever genuinely learn how to be free and yourself with another person.

This phase was not only about being alone, but also about BEING. I mean just BE without doing nothing. And at the same time I had to learn how to enjoy this loneliness. Who am I, if I don't have other people around me? Can I have fun? Is it sad in the eyes of others? Is it genuine? Can I truly be my best friend? And boy, have I learned to be alone. Not only learned to be alone, but actually enjoying it! And at the same time I learned how to BE. When there are no disruption and with this I mean no social media, no phone, no computer, no people. Just me being with me. Oh wow! This has surely been quite a ride!

But this phase is not done yet with it's lessons. Oh no! Not only was I asked to be still, by myself, but also, there was this void. This void where nothing was not moving. I did not know what's next, where and with who. I just did not know. For the first time, my heart was not talking. It was not guiding me in any way. I also wrote about this phase, if you want to learn more: The void

This phase combined with being alone and being..... "Oh no, not enough", said the Universe. Lets add to this "soup" a few more ingredients: my rising intuition and clairvoyance, rising of my sensitivity and feeling all the energies around me. I felt the energies of mine, others and collective. All this at the same time! Well, I am just happy that I am still breathing! Maybe now you understand why I say that I am a bad ass?! But lets put on top of all this the one lesson that I love the most: patience. Patience to trust without controlling things. At all! Just allowing everything to be as they are without forcing nothing. Uh, as a former completer, this has been very very hard. We are so used to doing and so very scared of being that this phase, as all of these phases, takes time. I can not unlearn nothing within one day, because I did not learn them in one day. So it takes time. And patience :o).

I am sure that this text might be a bit confusing if you are reading this, but please forgive me. This whole journey has been confusing, so I am letting my thoughts just run out as they come. In a flow.

I feel that I am finally at the end of this very very tough and exhausting journey. Now I have learned how to let go and trust the flow of life. I have learned to let go of control. I have learned that I am very powerful with my sensitivity and clairvoyance. I see and hear things. I just know. I have learned that when I am nothing (in the eyes of the outside world), I am everything. I have learned to love myself unconditionally. I don't need gurus or books, I am my own guru. I can not fit into any boxes, because I am free. I have learned to be me = totally free. It has been tough, because I feel that no one gets me and everybody thinks that I am crazy. Well, I don't blame you, this has been crazy. Many thought that I was depressed. And the truth is, how could anyone ever never understand this, if they have not gone through this themselves?! So no. This has not been easy and yes, I have wondered million times myself why? What is the reason of all of this?!

But. Deep deep inside of me there was this knowing. I knew why. I knew that I was chosen to do this. I knew I had it in me to learn what it means to be authentic without any fear. I had it in me to be "the weird one". Most of all, I had this courage in me to rise the vibration of this earth into more loving energy. I always knew all through out this process, that nothing will be brought to me, that I could not handle. And this is true. I have.

FROM INSIDE OUT. This is the new way of changing the world. And I have. And I keep on doing it even if no one gets it. It is enough that I do. It is enough that I know what I am doing (and even if at times I wouldn't understand :o) and I am so sure that one day, all of you will understand. It is not easy to be "the leader". To do something different when everybody else wants to stay where they are and do things as they have always done. Even if we see already that the old way is not working. Even if we are not happy. Yes, we talk. Yes, we complain. But doing something about it or changing something. Oh no.

So I respect where you are, but most of all, I respect myself. I am so fucking brave. I am a bad ass! And finally I feel that something new is knocking on the door. I feel it, I can almost taste it. And for this new phase, I am stepping with joy, freedom and lightness that I did not know, I could ever have! No more jealousy, no more bad words, no more talking behind someones back, no more blaming others, no more excuses for my behavior, no more judgement towards anyone or anything.

Before this journey I thought that I know how to "let go and go with the flow". I thought that I had patience. I thought that I know how to be by myself, alone. I thought that I knew what trusting in life meant. I thought that I know what unconditional love is. But I HAD NO IDEA! Non!

Now these qualities are part of me. They are who I am. I am finally in the frequency of unconditional love. And this is like coming home, because love is what I have always been. I just forgot my true essence under all the darkness and fear. But here I stand. Stronger then ever, because love is the power that can change the world. No war can. And this is why love is so scary. It changes you to who you really are. No hate or anger can do the same. Only by truly loving oneself and from that space others, the change for better world, is possible. And I am proud to say that finally I am the change, I want to see in this world. After all, from one drop at the time, becomes the sea.

So now, I can relax. Take a breath and allow myself some rest. Do yoga, long walks, have a class of wine. Dine fine. Have a massage and after maybe watch Netflix with some candies. I have my own fitness studio here in my living room, but it is not that serious. Now, I want to most of all have fun when I do my training. And this way, by relaxing, I am preparing myself for the new chapter in my life. All I know that I came here to do something meaningful. I have the courage for that. And this new "thing" is right here, behind the corner. My mission. I am ready. And I can not wait!

If you want to learn more about the awakening process, here is a link for you:

* LonerWolf

and the others that I have used in my journey you can find here:

* Tukea - Support

Relationships under the magnifying glass

Relationships have been on my mind lately. Or not even lately. If I am totally honest, this theme has been coming up again and again. At first I have been wondering why, again?! But now it starts to be very clear to me. Relationships are all about self respect and self value. What kind of people am I allowing to be in my life?

As I go deeper and deeper into myself and my self value starts to rise, I also start to look closer to my relationships with other people. After all, everything I see around me, the people that I mingle with, they are the mirror to myself. And I have to be honest. After I started to look closer, it made me very sad. Very sad to notice how small is the amount of people in my life that are actually willing to do the same effort towards me, as I am for them.

Any relationship is based on willingness. Of cause. There can not be any expectations or demands. What is meant to be, will be. But. There is this energetic wibe that I have been picking on lately. And it is about "I will contact you when I have time". Or then it is about excepting me in some parts of your life, but not all of it.

My character has always been very giving. I might not give you money or presents, but I am always there for you. If I feel you, I am there. And there has been no boundaries what so ever. When you needed me, I was there. Not expecting anything in return, but I had this genuine willingness to be there for you and I just wanted to see you happy. And now I see that in many cases in my life, it was not both ways. It was only me.

But now, oh no! I can not be in relationships anymore that are not based on willingness on both sides. I can not be in relationships that the effort is not mutual. It does not matter who you are, family or friend or a co-worker. When the relationship is genuine, you will make the effort no matter what. Actually you don't even think about it. And it does not matter where you are, the relationship will go on anyway, if the willingness is there.

I am not here for you anymore, if you only have time to call me on your way from work. I am not here for you, if we always go by your timetable. I am not here for you any more, if it is always about you. I am not here for you anymore so that you can use my kind heart how ever you want and then leave me "out in the cold". I am not here for you, if the only reason you want to keep in touch is the fact that you only want to know what adventure I am going to have next - I am not here to make your life an adventure, you have to find your own. I will not take your irritations anymore. I will not take any bullying anymore. I will not take any shit from anyone anymore. If you can not talk to me nicely and with respect, you can go your way. I am not here for you if you truly don't feel the pull towards me. I will not settle for "half way" -relationships any more no matter who you are.

I am tired of thinking that there is something wrong with me when you don't want to make the effort. I am tired of being an obligation. I am tired of just included at some areas of your life. I am tired of being the last one on your list. I am tired of thinking that I am somehow scary or too much. I am tired of people using my kindness in oh so many ways. How many times have I said "I am sorry, did I call you in a bad time?" Basically apologizing for calling! Apologizing of being me and taking your time?! How many times I have been thinking, after meeting someone, did I say or talk too much, did I share too much? Again apologizing for maybe taking too much space and opening up too much?! For too long I have allowed other people to affect my self-esteem, but this is not happening any more. I am tired of this self centered lifestyle that we people have been adapting. I am tired of the fact that everything is based on calendars and timetables. I don't want to be part of this selfishness, because I am here, always, when you need me. Now it is just clear that I deserve the same.

And so I let go. Bit by bit. One soul at the time. I value myself enough now. I love myself enough now. I respect myself enough now. I don't need that space at the end of the list. I don't need to please no one anymore. I don't need to be used anymore. I have set my boundaries very clear and I am so happy about this. This actually makes me feel so relieved and free. And now, finally, I have made space for the people who truly and willingly want to be with me.

So yes, now I finally can live according to this phrase: "you don't have to be with me if you don't want to and I don't have to be with you if I don't want to". This is a choice of a free will. If I don't feel it, I leave it. But if I do feel it, you will have me and I mean all of me. I more then willing to commit!

So the sadness is gone now. I am happy where I am, because I feel that part of this process is to go through this. The relationships. And the more closer the relationships are, the more challenging it gets. So this has taken me a while. To get used of being alone. I love people so much, so this was very hard on me. But. Now, I am so centered within myself. I am happy being with me. I am having my own discos and yoga. I am enjoying the long walks and my music. I am enjoying my own company so much that I never knew I could.

I can see now that first we truly have to learn how to genuinely be alone. Finding that "best friend" inside of us. As I learn to be by myself, I learn to let go of the expectation that someone outside of me could make me happy. Only I can. And who ever comes, they can come freely and be free in this partnership. Because now, anyone who comes into my life, they will make the same effort towards me as I do for them. The willingness and authenticity will be there. The pull will be there. And all these will be there, naturally, when the connection is authentic and real. Then these things don't even have to be talked or thought about. It comes naturally. Easily. It just is. There is no need to count who visited who and how many times. Or who called who the last time. Or who did what more then another. The balance and freedom will be there so naturally. It is amazing!

So. Yes, I have few very good people in my life that are lifting me up as I lift them. But the ones that are, we don't have to push and pull and there are no strings attached. I am happy with this and I allow more to come, if it is meant to be. For me it is better to have less, but with a good quality :o). I love people, so I do mingle with strangers everyday in some form and I love it! I am so happy to do this! I love the stories I hear and I love to see the faces of people. But the private Saija. She knows now her value and she is not wasting her time to people, who are not worth it. I love you all, but I let you go. My self worth is so high that I only deserve the best.

This was not an easy process, but now it is ending. I am happy about this. It was not easy. But I am still standing and I am actually standing more stronger then ever. More free then ever. And I am so waiting for the next phase in my life, what ever it will be.

I came here, to this earth, for a reason. I came here to change the world to a better place, to a more loving place. I start to see my own part on this so very clearly and this makes me proud. The change of this world does not come from outside, but it starts with each and everyone of us, inside. The more you align with who you truly are, the more you allow others to do the same. And this creates more freedom with individual responsibility, respect and peace towards all living, including our beautiful planet. You can not win a war with a war, but you can end the war by changing your perspective, changing your thinking and beliefs and by seeing that you are part of a bigger picture and that you matter (a lot!!!!!) with all you do in this world.

I am one of the chosen ones (as are all of you even if you don't know it). I am honored and humble in front of this knowledge. So I stand tall and I keep on living this journey called life. Letting the old go with love and gratefulness. And inviting in the new - fresh - joyful - easygoing - relaxed - happy - free -energy in. The space is cleared now for this. And I humbly and joyfully welcome it in!

The void

I just can't get a grip of anything at the moment. I am trying to do the old things, but they really don't bring me that much joy anymore. So I breath in and out. And try something else. No, doesn't feel right. And so I breath in and out. Aaaaaand I try again. How frustrating is this?!

I am truly learning what BEING really means. I have created myself surroundings where I have absolutely nothing to do. Literally! I am living in a small apartment where there is nothing to clean. My laundry is nothing much and I don't have back yard to do any gardening. So I am learning to be. And it is not easy for sure!

We have these periods in life where we are in a void for a while. We are in this empty space where it feels like nothing is moving, nothing is happening and in your heart there is a deep silence. You are trying to figure things out, but it is just not working. I know I want to do something and I know for sure that there was a reason why I had to go through this cleansing process. But at the moment, I am in a void. Most days I can handle it very well. I am enjoying life's little things, my freedom and people around me. But then there are days like this that it is just tough! We are so used to doing things, but also controlling them and at this moment it takes all of my inner strength to be able to be still. Be without doing anything in a situation that is out of my control. My heart is just not speaking and life just isn't showing me what to do next. I am in a big time void!

And this is where the surrendering happens. Because I can not force myself into anything anymore that doesn't feel right. That's the thing. My ego is sitting in my shoulder and nagging about getting a job. Or to do this and that. But my heart is being so gentle and loving and keeps repeating "just relax, there is a reason for this".

Uuuuuuuu, to let go of control is sooooooooooo not easy!! And this is ultimately what is going on. And the more I fight against it, the more it hurts inside. The more I resist, the more frustrated and upset I get. So when feeling these feelings that are hard to take and handle, it would be the easiest way to just go to work and distract my inner process. The easiest thing to do would be to run away from these feelings instead of facing them and just continue being. This is what we normally do, don't we. When there is a void, an empty space, we want to find out something to do. Go to see a friend, we go to the gym or we take more work. Anything to distract the feelings to come up and to be seen. Because fuck, this is not easy. I am telling you. I feel like screaming, shouting and kicking like a small kid when she doesn't get what she wants, when SHE wants it! Because I have been a control freak! Totally! So stripping this part out of me, is huuuuuuuge thing! After all, it has been one of my survival mechanisms. And, did I even understand how much I was controlling things? No way! Only now I truly understand this. And I am willing to let this controlling part of me go, because at the end, it takes so much of my "good ass prana" - energy. When I am controlling things and then something goes wrong, this feeling of irritation comes soooo fast! It is like a lightning that hits me hard. So instead of that, I allow this process to take what it takes, because at the end I just want to be able to relax into the arm of life and if this is what it takes, then so be it!

I am so committed to me. Nothing else comes first. And, I am also committed to the Universe. I am committed to change this world to a better place by doing my inner work no matter what it takes! I know my time will come, but at the moment it is all about being. "Letting go of control" ´-process.

I always remember when I was going through my yoga teacher training and there was an issue that I was dealing with at that time. So I wanted to ask advice from my teacher about it. He was listening patiently and after I finished he said "no matter what you do, it is always okey with life". Meaning I can never ever do anything wrong. No matter what I decide, it is always good.

And so. If tomorrow I feel like going to ably a job, then I will. Nothing and I mean nothing can not stop life from bringing me the lessons and blessings that are meant for me. This is where I feel we people have got it wrong (but this is just my truth, just listen to yours). The more further this inner process goes on, the less I believe in these old teachings that I used to listen. With this I mean manifestation, don't believe in that anymore. I believe that things will always come when the TIMING is right. I don't believe that my thoughts can prevent anything that is meant for me to come. If I feel negative, I feel negative. If I can not always be so very positive, then so be it. If I feel anxiety and frustration, then it is so. No matter how I feel, things will flow eventually.

The "old ways" of spirituality are nice, but they are not that helpful. Many many many of them are based on fear. It's like if you don't think like this, you will not get this. If you don't meditate 100 hours a week, you will not get this. If you don't eat right, you will not get this. Well, I am here to tell you, that no matter what you do and how you feel, it is always okey to life! Everything will be brought to you when the time is right. All we have to do is relax. If we can. At the moment I can not that much, but then it is okey.

So even if I am so fed up with this being, I am going to be more! But also, if I feel like getting a job tomorrow, I will. But I will try my level best to get through this phase of just being without controlling it in any way. At the end, when we are in this phase of a void, it is hear to teach us something, before "moving on". I haven't been this person ever before, the one that I am now. So everyday I am learning more about this new person. What she likes and what she doesn't. What she likes to do and what she doesn't. And I do get these insights about myself almost everyday. Without the void, I might not get them. Or then again I might. Who knows.

But here I am. Just being. And breathing in and out. Learning to fully let go of the control. Going moment by moment. And breathing in and out again and again. And I know I will make through this phase too, as I have done with the others. Even if at the moment it feels like I am surviving day by day, so be it. I have been a control freak, so what did I expect? That this would be easy? Hell no. So I am so proud of myself for being able to just be. In this void. In this empty space. And I keep on breathing. In and out...

Finally I am Ms NoBody!

Oi oi, what a couple of weeks I have had! A lot of releasing and cleansing! It has been tough! I have been feeling anxiety, frustration, I have been crying, praying, breathing, meditating, talking my feelings out, having long walks, being in the nature, not eating much and then ate a lot! It is not easy when your whole identity is being striped off!

First part of this journey of mine was to awaken to the things that were not feeling good in my life. After the "awakening" started the cleansing part where all the old beliefs and programs had to be brought to light and they had to be released. This way the "true me" had more space to show up. But this was not enough! The third part was on it's way!

We all have our own individual soul journeys in this earth. Each and everyone is unique and as special as another. SO YOU MATTER no matter what you do! You being here, in this earth, has a huge meaning to the collective, even if you never ever release it yourself. What I am doing, is not every ones soul journey. Along this inner journey I used to "preach" to others how they can change their lives if they want to. What they were supposed to do in order to feel more at ease. Now I know better. Only you can know what is best for you and as I said it might be that your journey is totally different then mine.

It seems that I am meant to dig deep! To go deep within to see everything! And it is not easy! Half of the time it is impossible to explain what I am going through, because how can someone who is not doing what I am doing, understand my inner world and it's mysteries? When half of the time even me I don't get it. Or I do, but this understanding comes after the process is over. It has been so hard for me to try to fit into this system that is having the expectations of how you should live your life. Where to work and how to feel. Well, my work for the couple of years has been releasing all my darkness, if this is the right word to describe it. No, this job is not bringing me that much money, but I am here and I have all I need, so I am for sure taken care of by the Universe. Or life. Something bigger then me anyway.

And so it is that I am not working in a regular job, that by the way, is regular to many, but not for me anymore. I already see things differently. And so it is that half of the time I don't have the answers to give you about my future or what I am going to do next. I just don't know, because these days, I don't make plans! How freeing is that! I haven't owned a calendar for two years now! And so you don't have to understand what I am doing, but just to accept that as I accept you and the things you do. As I respect your soul journey and I am giving you the freedom to be who you are without any judgement what so ever, that's all I am asking of you. Because, and here we get to the third part of my inner journey, I am not the same as I was before. I am loosing my old identity. Let me explain.

In order to be totally free, I wanted my heart (soul, higher self or what ever you want to call it) to take over. And this meant that I had to fully, 150 % commit to me and my inner journey. I am so curious about finding out why am I here and what am I meant to do here. And I already knew that "the old Saija" was not the real one. So after phase one and two, I got to the third part and I swear I was thinking NOT AGAIN! WHAT NOW?! I was praying on having just a normal life where I can go back to the old system with my cleansed personality. But nooooooo, this is absolutely impossible! And so another energy wave hit me and took me into myself again!

How hard is the question WHO AM I, if I don't use titles like "mother, wife, daughter, sales manager". This is what I was now digging into. And guess what. I am nothing! I am absolutely nothing and at the same time, I am bigger then ever! I don't even know how to explain this, because this might be something that you have to experience yourself, if it is part of your journey.

But darlings, I am free! I am so free from all outside of me! I am nothing in the eyes of the outside world, because I don't have big cars, latest clothes and big amounts of money. But I don't care, because I am bigger then ever! Just few days ago I was sitting in my sofa and I was watching all these people rushing into their things in the morning. And I was thinking that even though nothing has changed in my life outside, everything is different inside! But I can tell you that my ego did not give up easily! It was a battle of two weeks and at the end I am lying in my floor crying that I give up! Just take me out if this is the way my life will be. I don't want this! And puff! Next morning all was clear. My soul - heart - higher self - had taken over! Because I gave up. Because I surrendered.

It is actually so funny how the ego wants things. Things and money. But can you imagine, our soul is always happy, no matter what is going on in our lives. Our souls knows that life will bring all we need and we can actually relax and have fun in this life! It is so simple that it is funny! The more you allow your soul to take over, the less problems you will have in your life. The more you fake, the more you play games, the more you listen to others, the more you run after outside things, the more you please others, the more you abandon yourself, the more you suffer. And here is why: soul trusts life, ego wants to control. Soul is letting things flow, ego wants things to happen now now. Soul is excepting and adapting things easily and without judgement, ego wants to put labels into everything and is resentful. Soul knows that what ever you do, it is okey to life, but ego is criticizing and giving you a hard time. Soul loves you because you are you, but ego wants tittles and fame. Soul knows that relaxation and just being is the basic nature of human BEING, ego wants you to run like crazy and do do do more! Soul knows that life might not bring things and people to our lives as WE (ego) have planned, but it always will. But I have to say that no, ego does not give up the fight easily!

And so now I am Ms NoBody and it makes me so happy! I have never ever felt so free and good! And as I am free, everybody around me are free. And this BIG!!!! I am nothing, but I am EVERYTHING! It is absolutely amazing! No tittle, no amount of money, can define me. I don't control things anymore, I let them flow. All I have is my trust in life and my intuition and I will only act when my intuition tells me so. I had to let go of everything I have in order to get everything I ever wanted. And so I am starting to learn to enjoy these surprises that I get almost daily.

And so I practice this new being of Ms NoBody. I might still fall into egos traps many times. Or not. Who knows. But one thing is for sure! I will never ever again sit into the old rules and fears. I am Ms NoBody and so very proud of it, because the freedom of it, is so huge! I don't have to chase anything outside of me anymore, because everything is already inside of me. So I am just letting it flow darlings, I am just letting it flow....

You can't really help them!

"The most important thing to understand is, you can’t really help them. What you can do however, is being the BEST “you” that you can be. 

INSPIRE them to help themselves. 

To live your life as a shinning example of a loving compassionate conscious and EMPOWERED human being. The energy you begin to radiate the longer you go through these cycles of healing, is infectious! Your ENERGY is what does most of the work, not so much your words, beliefs or explanations. 

Heal yourself and you will naturally heal others without having to lift a finger or say a word."

- Victor Oddo - 

This is what I have learned through out my inner journey. My heart is so big that I just wanted everyone to be happy and feel good. I wanted to help people so much that instead of letting them do what they needed to do, I did it for them. No wonder I was so tired! But. Life is not like that. 

Life will always be about ups and downs. It will never end. And if someone else is doing "the work" for you, when will you learn? When will you finally learn to take responsibility of your own healing if someone else keeps doing it for you? And with these energies, no one can not even do it for you anymore. You can try, sure. But it will get heavy for you and the one who is trying to help you. Because at the end, only you can really help you. 

There was a time when I was doing healing treatments. These treatments included talk after the treatment, so that we can go through everything that my customer was feeling and what I have felt. The thing was that when doing these treatments I was doing them from a place of "I want to help people", not from a place of "this is for me so that I can heal and so that I can learn more about myself". Because I didn't see the inner power I have in me, I couldn't see it in others. And so "I wanted to help them". We all have our own soul path. And life happens no matter who you are or where you are. It will happen to rich, poor, black, white, yellow, kids, youngsters, adults. It happens. So life is about learning, trusting and surrendering. 

I realized today that it is not actually about me getting what I want, but it is about the learning process in between. I am held back in the same situation as long as I learn the lesson that the situation is here to teach me and only when that lesson is learned, I am able to break free. Sometimes the learning comes through the feelings of anxiety, sometimes it comes through the feelings of anger. It is a sign for me that the change is coming, but the lessons have to be learned first. This is why leaving the old and entering the new, is called "process". We need this process, this time, so that we can face our fears before leaving the old. We need this time to reflect and learn from these experiences. And then we can move on to the new. This takes time, because it is not easy. It takes as much time as it takes. Even if we think we are ready, it might not be so. So the only thing we can do is trust the flow of the Universe and trust the process. And here is the thing. Only you can know if there is something that is not aligned with your heart energy. You feel it inside, no one else. So this is why it is your job to do the job. Of breaking free from something that doesn't feel right anymore. From something that doesn't make you happy. So you see, at the end, only you can heal yourself. There will be people to support you in this and if you don't have any, please, go and find some. They will support you, but they won't do the job for you. Only you can heal you. There are some things that are only between you and you. 

And so I have done. I have healed myself and the funny thing is that I don't no longer have the desire to safe anyone. I don't have any desire to do any healing work for no one. I have done mine and only you can do yours. If you want to. Your choice. 

Now I live my truth. I see my own inner power and I respect myself. And from that space I see your inner power and I respect that. I love you, but I step aside. I believe in you and your strength to do what needs to be done. I have, so you can too! I respect your soul path, as I respect mine. And so I step aside and I allow your own soul to take over. I have no desire what so ever to help you anymore, because I know you can do this. I am beside you, yes. But not "in your way" when you are doing your inner healing.

So it is not about having a piece of paper saying that you are a reiki master. It is not about having a diploma saying that you are a energy healer. No. It is about doing your inner work. Dealing with your shit. Facing the situations and people that you are not happy about. Not with anger, but simply by pointing out that this is not working. I am not happy and for this reason, I need to get out. I need to change the circumstances. Actually, you are getting the old shit out of the way, so that you can finally come into your full power. After this process, you can check if you still "want to help them". 

I have blessed all my past life and the events in it. I have forgiven everything and to everyone. Even myself. The past has taught me so much. Without it, I wouldn't be here. This strong. This powerful. And having this inner knowledge that I can not help you, but I trust you. Fully. 

And so I live my life from inside out. Not outside in. This is new and this is where we are heading, so I am learning. I am learning for the first time in my life, not to concentrate on the outside things, but inside. Anything that I want in my life, will come inside first. And from that space the things that are aligned with my energy, will come reality. Sometimes, like now, I don't know what the fuck I am doing and where I am supposed to be next, but it is ok. I don't have to. This is the learning part. Trusting the process and trusting that things are moving forward even if I don't see it with my own eyes. And so I relax (or try to). Sometimes I succeed, sometimes not. But even this is ok. All I know is that I am looking into the future, even if I don't see nothing yet. One day, when the timing is right, I will. 

So I don't care about papers or diplomas anymore. I don't follow gurus or listen anyone outside of me. I am still lost sometimes, because this is the way life is. But I learn, I listen my inner voice and eventually I will make the changes that I have to make in order to be more aligned with my heart energy. 

And so I live my truth. I live my life as a shinning example of a loving compassionate conscious and EMPOWERED human being. The energy I am radiating is infectious! My ENERGY is what does most of the work, not so much my words, beliefs or explanations. 

I healed myself and I will naturally heal others without having to lift a finger or say a word.