Normally when you see me I am smiling. If you ask me how I am, I replay "I am fine". But the honest truth is that today I am not fine. Today has been about crying. A lot. A role that I have been keeping for years is now crumbling down with full force. I can not do it anymore. Pretend. The safety net that has been keeping me alive all these years, is now coming down.
I have been keeping on this role of not needing anyone. The role of not showing my sadness. I have been the girl that has been called if you need to "build a house" and for sure, I came straight away! Tough girl, a girl that can do anything by herself. You could have basically called me "a half man"!
Well, now "the balls" are dropping and with a huge power! And I am so freaking scared!
What if I will never find a partner who totally takes me as who I am? What if I am not beautiful enough? What if I am not calm enough? What if my temper will never be appreciated? What if it is true like someone once said to me, that I am too difficult to deal with?
If you think for one minute that your bad words don't hurt me, think again. If you thing for one minute that I don't need anyone, think again.
I do get hurt. I do cry. I do need hugs. I do need someone to tell me that it is all going to be ok. I don't want to be brave anymore. I just want to be me. Sometimes in a good mood, sometimes in a bad mood. Sometimes smiling, sometimes crying. I am not perfect or I am perfect just as I am. And I am doing the best I can. That's all I can give. My best.
And I don't know what am I going to be or what is my next step. I just don't know. And the pressure that I should know is sometimes overwhelming. At the moment, I just don't know. I don't know anything.
But this is who I am. Now naked and totally out in the open. I am a girl with heart full of gold and always wanting to see you succeed. If I am bushing you it is because I see your potential. My intention is never to hurt anyone, but to see you grow in your own path. My heart sings when I see you happy, but it also sings when I see you sad. Then you are being who you are and I am honored to see all sides of you.
But above all I have to put myself first. To give that unconditional love to myself so that I can love others the same way. To take care of my needs in order to take care of the needs of others. To accept myself just the way I am in order to accept all of you. And to allow myself to receive love and help from others in order for me to do the same to you all.
Today I am tired. Today is about crying. Today I don't know. So be it.
