I am

My name is Saija Kujanpää. I am 50 years old and you could say that I am in front of my new life. In order for you to understand what I am talking about, we have to go back to the past for a while.

Workaholic. Completer. Perfectionist. Martyr. Sounds familiar? Well, that was me. I was working like crazy through all my life. I was changing jobs and apartments regularly so I wouldn’t have to stop. I was very courageous with all my actions but deep inside there was always a fear of people´s reactions and comments. My self-esteem was so low that taking directions, advices or any kind of feedback was very hard. I took them as a criticism and judgement: am I still not good enough even though I have been trying so hard?

I did hide under my strength and no one didn’t even think that I wouldn't make it in this life. I was an iron bar. You couldn’t hug me and I didn’t know how to hug back. Not even my own daughter! All my relationships did fall out to fights and jealousy since I was so scared that I could be abandoned. It made loving impossible. The guilty one was always someone else than me and the way I lashed myself was overwhelming. I would have paid a million to someone who could have seen both in how much agony I was and how bad I was feeling inside. But no one did, since I was the biggest abandoner of myself!

Eight years ago, I still remember the day, I finally got to a point where I just new that this could not go on anymore. How hard is the question ”Who am I?” if the definition does not come from outside titles like daughter, mom, spouse or Sales Manager? Who am I then? I was so lucky that I found help at this point. Sometimes we are so deep inside our own mind that it is not possible to find the way out alone. Even the small things get huge and then we feel even worse. When I finally understood that I needed help, thank god! – I was not told "what I wanted to hear". I had to "take the spoon" to my hand and start inner digging. It was time to take responsibility of my own life.

I soon noticed that in order to move on I had to take some distance. I decided to move away, out of everything, in order to hear myself better. I made a big and bold decision. I left a good job with huge benefits, I rented my apartment and I headed to the airport with two suitcases. I was travelling to Africa. For how long, I didn’t know.

I was there for almost three years. What a life lesson it was! I had to question every belief I had about myself and all that I had learned so far in life: what I thought about money, time, schedules, rules, own space, sociality and so on. In Africa no rules applied and life was lived in a moment. It was such an awesome learning process for me, who was never late, who always did what was asked to and who always put others before herself. I did learn about honoring my own time and space. And the most wonderful thing was that no one was interested in what I was doing for a living, if I was wearing make up and which clothing size I was. For the first time in my life I got an experience about acceptance. I was accepted just the way I was. No strings attached. Amazing! 

I came back to Finland on early spring 2014 and you can just imagine that all the things I ran away from kicked me in the ass. And hard. The only thing I could do was to take the shovel into my pretty hands and start digging. Again. And since I am a completer, I started to ”complete” the spiritual growth. I would be perfect as soon as I changed this, this and that! If I am totally honest, I think I ”overdosed” the spiritual lessons.

The hard and painful work within has paid off since now I feel like I am in a place where I live my life from a choice of inner listening. Joy has come back to my life and it feels so good. The fact that I can tell you so personal things, tells a lot about me. I have nothing to hide. I don’t play games and I am not trying to be anything that I am not. You can laugh at me and you can criticize me, since that does not tell anything about me, but about the person who does so. I have finally forgiven myself for not being a perfect mother, spouse, daughter or employer and the acceptance towards myself grows every day. I do have bad days, I sometimes go to McDonald's and have a burger and I do get irritated in the traffic. Then so be it. And I am a cool chick even if I don’t do anything at all!

One of the wonderful thing that I have aloud to myself is the touch of another person. For years, you could not hug me or "come to my energy field" - come too close to me. Now I know better. The effects of another being touching you is amazing! From my own experience I also know that everything that goes on in our mind, will be found in our body. All the aches, pains, infections and diseases are trying to stop us from the busy lifestyle and they are trying to tell us something. Our body is our temple and it should be taken care with huge love and respect. And it is one of the biggest helpers to truly get to know one self. 

The biggest action of love towards oneself is to stop and really listen what our hearts and bodies are trying to tell us. There are always options. There are always new opportunities. The only one stopping us to be happy, is oneself! And it is never to late. Never.

With love,

Saija :o)

”I surrender to love. What a peace I have inside of me. A knowlidge that goes beond the mind.”