My ascension journey - I am a bad ass!

And if you have gone through this journey, so are you! A bad ass! I hope you remember to give yourself thanks everyday!

If I am totally honest I never knew what was waiting for me when I started my ascension journey. Actually, I did not know that it was a ascension journey! This is such a huge thing that it is hard to even put it into words. But let me try.

This all started with so called "awakening". It started from this insight that I was not truly happy. It was like something was bothering me all the time somewhere deep inside of me. And you could have not see this from outside, because I was hiding it so well. I was restless and constantly looking for something. Something. This journey started from the feeling like I don't belong anywhere. I felt that I was so cruel to myself, meaning there was little or non self love or respect towards myself. I was hurting people around me with my words and actions. I was hurting myself. I was not happy with my work. I was constantly looking for a better place. As was the case with apartments too. I started to question if there would be more in this life then "nine to five" -job. I did not want to drink that much anymore, because I started to realize that I was drinking to escape something. I allowed people to use my kind heart, because I wanted to fit in. I had no boundaries what so ever. I did not see my own beauty. Well, if I am totally honest, there was sooooo many things that led me into this journey, that I would probably have to write a book in order to go through it all. And now don't get me wrong. There was plenty of good things in my life too, but these things mentioned up, were the ones that "woke me up".

Anyway, I started to question everything and everybody in my life. Mostly myself. And so I started to go through my childhood and my memories bit by bit. Through this process, I got to understand why I was reacting to some people and situations as I was. I actually got to question everything in my life. I got new perspectives. I got more understanding towards myself. I started to feel more sympathy towards myself and others. We are so full of wounds, traumas and false beliefs, that it is impossible to peal all the layers at once. It would be too painful. This period took years and there was no way I could have done this without help. So I started layer by layer. Like an onion. And just when I thought "thank god, now I am done", something else jumped out. And so I was living my everyday life with this intention to heal myself  by allowing everything that was not serving me anymore, to come to the surface to be seen, healed and then released. Forgiveness played a huge part in this phase.

The most powerful thing in this journey has been the commitment towards myself. Nothing and no one could not come between me and me. I just knew that I have to put myself first no matter what people say. No matter if anyone understands or not. I come first. And I said to the Universe: "I am WILLING to love myself fully. I am WILLING to learn what unconditional love is. I commit to myself with all my being, no matter what it takes. I will NOT give in no matter what. I am this important to me." When you are willing to do this commitment towards yourself, the Universe starts to work "for you". It starts to bring events and people to your life that might seem bad or hard, but they are there only to teach you something about yourself. They are there to show you the way to get closer to your authentic self. Nothing happens TO you, it all happens FOR you. Specially the hard events, they are eventually the most biggest blessings.

And so the cleansing phase started. The old beliefs, fears and the amount of anger that I had inside of me that I never knew I had! Wow! When all this anger came out, oh my! I was on the floor crying for an hour and thank god, I got help. Very powerful it was! I did not know this about me at all! This cleansing phase took years. I could say that I started around 2008 and this phase ended on January 2019. So yeah, hell of a 10 years I can say! And I thought that thank god. Now it is over and I can get back into my old life with new tools. Well, little did I know!

After the past experiences had been cleansed, started the "stripping of the old Saija" phase. I had to let go of the old roles and tittles. I needed to become "nothing" in order to actually be "everything". I wrote about this earlier and if you want learn more about this, you will find the text here: Finally I am miss Nobody

After miss Nobody phase, came the relationship part. This part had been going on through out the whole process, but now I truly needed to do something about this. And so I went through the people in my life. Bit by bit, one by one. This has been hard, because I very soon started to understand how small is the amount of people in my life who actually are there for me as I am for them. This was very sad. And I have cried a lot. But I needed to really sit down and see who are being real and who are not. Who is making the same effort towards me as I am towards them and who are not. And the ones that are not as committed as I am, needed to go. I knew that I can not settle anymore for anything else then "all or nothing". I have been questioning this part a lot, because it is not easy. But. After all, it is the people in your life that show you through their actions how loved and valuable you are. This has a huge affect to ones self esteem. During this phase I found out that I have to let most of the people go and that I have to find "my best friend and my soul family" inside of me. Only by doing this, I can then invite the true, honest, committed and loving people in.

Within this phase I also found out that I am not in the same page with many people and how could we be. I am committed to me and I am doing my inner work everyday, so my consciousness level keeps rising and rising. I was never asking people to understand me, but just to accept me. Like I accepted them. Again, it did not happen for the most part. But still, I could not allow this to stop me. With my commitment towards me, I am not using any excuses. I always have time for me. I always put myself first. Nothing is "too expensive" for me. I am willing to do what ever for me. We all know that with some people, you feel totally at home, you can be exactly who you are, but with some, it is just not a match. And this is okey. It is not like this is better then this one. No. It is just different, that's all. Some people are meant to be in our lives longer, but some just come for a short visit.

After this relationship part, I understood that here started this "learning to be alone" phase. I had to learn how to be alone. And this is also one reason why most of the people had to go for awhile. We are so attached to people in our lives. We are mothers, sisters, grannies, wives and husbands and how many times we are living our lives through someone else. I know I have. People in our lives tell us how to be and what to do. And we do what ever they want so that they don't get angry at us and so that they would accept us. And this is why it was so important to learn to be by myself. I needed to learn how to make myself happy and joyful. Before you truly learn how to be alone, before you truly start to value yourself without people pleasing and before you are totally free by yourself, you can never ever genuinely learn how to be free and yourself with another person.

This phase was not only about being alone, but also about BEING. I mean just BE without doing nothing. And at the same time I had to learn how to enjoy this loneliness. Who am I, if I don't have other people around me? Can I have fun? Is it sad in the eyes of others? Is it genuine? Can I truly be my best friend? And boy, have I learned to be alone. Not only learned to be alone, but actually enjoying it! And at the same time I learned how to BE. When there are no disruption and with this I mean no social media, no phone, no computer, no people. Just me being with me. Oh wow! This has surely been quite a ride!

But this phase is not done yet with it's lessons. Oh no! Not only was I asked to be still, by myself, but also, there was this void. This void where nothing was not moving. I did not know what's next, where and with who. I just did not know. For the first time, my heart was not talking. It was not guiding me in any way. I also wrote about this phase, if you want to learn more: The void

This phase combined with being alone and being..... "Oh no, not enough", said the Universe. Lets add to this "soup" a few more ingredients: my rising intuition and clairvoyance, rising of my sensitivity and feeling all the energies around me. I felt the energies of mine, others and collective. All this at the same time! Well, I am just happy that I am still breathing! Maybe now you understand why I say that I am a bad ass?! But lets put on top of all this the one lesson that I love the most: patience. Patience to trust without controlling things. At all! Just allowing everything to be as they are without forcing nothing. Uh, as a former completer, this has been very very hard. We are so used to doing and so very scared of being that this phase, as all of these phases, takes time. I can not unlearn nothing within one day, because I did not learn them in one day. So it takes time. And patience :o).

I am sure that this text might be a bit confusing if you are reading this, but please forgive me. This whole journey has been confusing, so I am letting my thoughts just run out as they come. In a flow.

I feel that I am finally at the end of this very very tough and exhausting journey. Now I have learned how to let go and trust the flow of life. I have learned to let go of control. I have learned that I am very powerful with my sensitivity and clairvoyance. I see and hear things. I just know. I have learned that when I am nothing (in the eyes of the outside world), I am everything. I have learned to love myself unconditionally. I don't need gurus or books, I am my own guru. I can not fit into any boxes, because I am free. I have learned to be me = totally free. It has been tough, because I feel that no one gets me and everybody thinks that I am crazy. Well, I don't blame you, this has been crazy. Many thought that I was depressed. And the truth is, how could anyone ever never understand this, if they have not gone through this themselves?! So no. This has not been easy and yes, I have wondered million times myself why? What is the reason of all of this?!

But. Deep deep inside of me there was this knowing. I knew why. I knew that I was chosen to do this. I knew I had it in me to learn what it means to be authentic without any fear. I had it in me to be "the weird one". Most of all, I had this courage in me to rise the vibration of this earth into more loving energy. I always knew all through out this process, that nothing will be brought to me, that I could not handle. And this is true. I have.

FROM INSIDE OUT. This is the new way of changing the world. And I have. And I keep on doing it even if no one gets it. It is enough that I do. It is enough that I know what I am doing (and even if at times I wouldn't understand :o) and I am so sure that one day, all of you will understand. It is not easy to be "the leader". To do something different when everybody else wants to stay where they are and do things as they have always done. Even if we see already that the old way is not working. Even if we are not happy. Yes, we talk. Yes, we complain. But doing something about it or changing something. Oh no.

So I respect where you are, but most of all, I respect myself. I am so fucking brave. I am a bad ass! And finally I feel that something new is knocking on the door. I feel it, I can almost taste it. And for this new phase, I am stepping with joy, freedom and lightness that I did not know, I could ever have! No more jealousy, no more bad words, no more talking behind someones back, no more blaming others, no more excuses for my behavior, no more judgement towards anyone or anything.

Before this journey I thought that I know how to "let go and go with the flow". I thought that I had patience. I thought that I know how to be by myself, alone. I thought that I knew what trusting in life meant. I thought that I know what unconditional love is. But I HAD NO IDEA! Non!

Now these qualities are part of me. They are who I am. I am finally in the frequency of unconditional love. And this is like coming home, because love is what I have always been. I just forgot my true essence under all the darkness and fear. But here I stand. Stronger then ever, because love is the power that can change the world. No war can. And this is why love is so scary. It changes you to who you really are. No hate or anger can do the same. Only by truly loving oneself and from that space others, the change for better world, is possible. And I am proud to say that finally I am the change, I want to see in this world. After all, from one drop at the time, becomes the sea.

So now, I can relax. Take a breath and allow myself some rest. Do yoga, long walks, have a class of wine. Dine fine. Have a massage and after maybe watch Netflix with some candies. I have my own fitness studio here in my living room, but it is not that serious. Now, I want to most of all have fun when I do my training. And this way, by relaxing, I am preparing myself for the new chapter in my life. All I know that I came here to do something meaningful. I have the courage for that. And this new "thing" is right here, behind the corner. My mission. I am ready. And I can not wait!

If you want to learn more about the awakening process, here is a link for you:

* LonerWolf

and the others that I have used in my journey you can find here:

* Tukea - Support