Relationships under the magnifying glass

Relationships have been on my mind lately. Or not even lately. If I am totally honest, this theme has been coming up again and again. At first I have been wondering why, again?! But now it starts to be very clear to me. Relationships are all about self respect and self value. What kind of people am I allowing to be in my life?

As I go deeper and deeper into myself and my self value starts to rise, I also start to look closer to my relationships with other people. After all, everything I see around me, the people that I mingle with, they are the mirror to myself. And I have to be honest. After I started to look closer, it made me very sad. Very sad to notice how small is the amount of people in my life that are actually willing to do the same effort towards me, as I am for them.

Any relationship is based on willingness. Of cause. There can not be any expectations or demands. What is meant to be, will be. But. There is this energetic wibe that I have been picking on lately. And it is about "I will contact you when I have time". Or then it is about excepting me in some parts of your life, but not all of it.

My character has always been very giving. I might not give you money or presents, but I am always there for you. If I feel you, I am there. And there has been no boundaries what so ever. When you needed me, I was there. Not expecting anything in return, but I had this genuine willingness to be there for you and I just wanted to see you happy. And now I see that in many cases in my life, it was not both ways. It was only me.

But now, oh no! I can not be in relationships anymore that are not based on willingness on both sides. I can not be in relationships that the effort is not mutual. It does not matter who you are, family or friend or a co-worker. When the relationship is genuine, you will make the effort no matter what. Actually you don't even think about it. And it does not matter where you are, the relationship will go on anyway, if the willingness is there.

I am not here for you anymore, if you only have time to call me on your way from work. I am not here for you, if we always go by your timetable. I am not here for you any more, if it is always about you. I am not here for you anymore so that you can use my kind heart how ever you want and then leave me "out in the cold". I am not here for you, if the only reason you want to keep in touch is the fact that you only want to know what adventure I am going to have next - I am not here to make your life an adventure, you have to find your own. I will not take your irritations anymore. I will not take any bullying anymore. I will not take any shit from anyone anymore. If you can not talk to me nicely and with respect, you can go your way. I am not here for you if you truly don't feel the pull towards me. I will not settle for "half way" -relationships any more no matter who you are.

I am tired of thinking that there is something wrong with me when you don't want to make the effort. I am tired of being an obligation. I am tired of just included at some areas of your life. I am tired of being the last one on your list. I am tired of thinking that I am somehow scary or too much. I am tired of people using my kindness in oh so many ways. How many times have I said "I am sorry, did I call you in a bad time?" Basically apologizing for calling! Apologizing of being me and taking your time?! How many times I have been thinking, after meeting someone, did I say or talk too much, did I share too much? Again apologizing for maybe taking too much space and opening up too much?! For too long I have allowed other people to affect my self-esteem, but this is not happening any more. I am tired of this self centered lifestyle that we people have been adapting. I am tired of the fact that everything is based on calendars and timetables. I don't want to be part of this selfishness, because I am here, always, when you need me. Now it is just clear that I deserve the same.

And so I let go. Bit by bit. One soul at the time. I value myself enough now. I love myself enough now. I respect myself enough now. I don't need that space at the end of the list. I don't need to please no one anymore. I don't need to be used anymore. I have set my boundaries very clear and I am so happy about this. This actually makes me feel so relieved and free. And now, finally, I have made space for the people who truly and willingly want to be with me.

So yes, now I finally can live according to this phrase: "you don't have to be with me if you don't want to and I don't have to be with you if I don't want to". This is a choice of a free will. If I don't feel it, I leave it. But if I do feel it, you will have me and I mean all of me. I more then willing to commit!

So the sadness is gone now. I am happy where I am, because I feel that part of this process is to go through this. The relationships. And the more closer the relationships are, the more challenging it gets. So this has taken me a while. To get used of being alone. I love people so much, so this was very hard on me. But. Now, I am so centered within myself. I am happy being with me. I am having my own discos and yoga. I am enjoying the long walks and my music. I am enjoying my own company so much that I never knew I could.

I can see now that first we truly have to learn how to genuinely be alone. Finding that "best friend" inside of us. As I learn to be by myself, I learn to let go of the expectation that someone outside of me could make me happy. Only I can. And who ever comes, they can come freely and be free in this partnership. Because now, anyone who comes into my life, they will make the same effort towards me as I do for them. The willingness and authenticity will be there. The pull will be there. And all these will be there, naturally, when the connection is authentic and real. Then these things don't even have to be talked or thought about. It comes naturally. Easily. It just is. There is no need to count who visited who and how many times. Or who called who the last time. Or who did what more then another. The balance and freedom will be there so naturally. It is amazing!

So. Yes, I have few very good people in my life that are lifting me up as I lift them. But the ones that are, we don't have to push and pull and there are no strings attached. I am happy with this and I allow more to come, if it is meant to be. For me it is better to have less, but with a good quality :o). I love people, so I do mingle with strangers everyday in some form and I love it! I am so happy to do this! I love the stories I hear and I love to see the faces of people. But the private Saija. She knows now her value and she is not wasting her time to people, who are not worth it. I love you all, but I let you go. My self worth is so high that I only deserve the best.

This was not an easy process, but now it is ending. I am happy about this. It was not easy. But I am still standing and I am actually standing more stronger then ever. More free then ever. And I am so waiting for the next phase in my life, what ever it will be.

I came here, to this earth, for a reason. I came here to change the world to a better place, to a more loving place. I start to see my own part on this so very clearly and this makes me proud. The change of this world does not come from outside, but it starts with each and everyone of us, inside. The more you align with who you truly are, the more you allow others to do the same. And this creates more freedom with individual responsibility, respect and peace towards all living, including our beautiful planet. You can not win a war with a war, but you can end the war by changing your perspective, changing your thinking and beliefs and by seeing that you are part of a bigger picture and that you matter (a lot!!!!!) with all you do in this world.

I am one of the chosen ones (as are all of you even if you don't know it). I am honored and humble in front of this knowledge. So I stand tall and I keep on living this journey called life. Letting the old go with love and gratefulness. And inviting in the new - fresh - joyful - easygoing - relaxed - happy - free -energy in. The space is cleared now for this. And I humbly and joyfully welcome it in!

The void

I just can't get a grip of anything at the moment. I am trying to do the old things, but they really don't bring me that much joy anymore. So I breath in and out. And try something else. No, doesn't feel right. And so I breath in and out. Aaaaaand I try again. How frustrating is this?!

I am truly learning what BEING really means. I have created myself surroundings where I have absolutely nothing to do. Literally! I am living in a small apartment where there is nothing to clean. My laundry is nothing much and I don't have back yard to do any gardening. So I am learning to be. And it is not easy for sure!

We have these periods in life where we are in a void for a while. We are in this empty space where it feels like nothing is moving, nothing is happening and in your heart there is a deep silence. You are trying to figure things out, but it is just not working. I know I want to do something and I know for sure that there was a reason why I had to go through this cleansing process. But at the moment, I am in a void. Most days I can handle it very well. I am enjoying life's little things, my freedom and people around me. But then there are days like this that it is just tough! We are so used to doing things, but also controlling them and at this moment it takes all of my inner strength to be able to be still. Be without doing anything in a situation that is out of my control. My heart is just not speaking and life just isn't showing me what to do next. I am in a big time void!

And this is where the surrendering happens. Because I can not force myself into anything anymore that doesn't feel right. That's the thing. My ego is sitting in my shoulder and nagging about getting a job. Or to do this and that. But my heart is being so gentle and loving and keeps repeating "just relax, there is a reason for this".

Uuuuuuuu, to let go of control is sooooooooooo not easy!! And this is ultimately what is going on. And the more I fight against it, the more it hurts inside. The more I resist, the more frustrated and upset I get. So when feeling these feelings that are hard to take and handle, it would be the easiest way to just go to work and distract my inner process. The easiest thing to do would be to run away from these feelings instead of facing them and just continue being. This is what we normally do, don't we. When there is a void, an empty space, we want to find out something to do. Go to see a friend, we go to the gym or we take more work. Anything to distract the feelings to come up and to be seen. Because fuck, this is not easy. I am telling you. I feel like screaming, shouting and kicking like a small kid when she doesn't get what she wants, when SHE wants it! Because I have been a control freak! Totally! So stripping this part out of me, is huuuuuuuge thing! After all, it has been one of my survival mechanisms. And, did I even understand how much I was controlling things? No way! Only now I truly understand this. And I am willing to let this controlling part of me go, because at the end, it takes so much of my "good ass prana" - energy. When I am controlling things and then something goes wrong, this feeling of irritation comes soooo fast! It is like a lightning that hits me hard. So instead of that, I allow this process to take what it takes, because at the end I just want to be able to relax into the arm of life and if this is what it takes, then so be it!

I am so committed to me. Nothing else comes first. And, I am also committed to the Universe. I am committed to change this world to a better place by doing my inner work no matter what it takes! I know my time will come, but at the moment it is all about being. "Letting go of control" ´-process.

I always remember when I was going through my yoga teacher training and there was an issue that I was dealing with at that time. So I wanted to ask advice from my teacher about it. He was listening patiently and after I finished he said "no matter what you do, it is always okey with life". Meaning I can never ever do anything wrong. No matter what I decide, it is always good.

And so. If tomorrow I feel like going to ably a job, then I will. Nothing and I mean nothing can not stop life from bringing me the lessons and blessings that are meant for me. This is where I feel we people have got it wrong (but this is just my truth, just listen to yours). The more further this inner process goes on, the less I believe in these old teachings that I used to listen. With this I mean manifestation, don't believe in that anymore. I believe that things will always come when the TIMING is right. I don't believe that my thoughts can prevent anything that is meant for me to come. If I feel negative, I feel negative. If I can not always be so very positive, then so be it. If I feel anxiety and frustration, then it is so. No matter how I feel, things will flow eventually.

The "old ways" of spirituality are nice, but they are not that helpful. Many many many of them are based on fear. It's like if you don't think like this, you will not get this. If you don't meditate 100 hours a week, you will not get this. If you don't eat right, you will not get this. Well, I am here to tell you, that no matter what you do and how you feel, it is always okey to life! Everything will be brought to you when the time is right. All we have to do is relax. If we can. At the moment I can not that much, but then it is okey.

So even if I am so fed up with this being, I am going to be more! But also, if I feel like getting a job tomorrow, I will. But I will try my level best to get through this phase of just being without controlling it in any way. At the end, when we are in this phase of a void, it is hear to teach us something, before "moving on". I haven't been this person ever before, the one that I am now. So everyday I am learning more about this new person. What she likes and what she doesn't. What she likes to do and what she doesn't. And I do get these insights about myself almost everyday. Without the void, I might not get them. Or then again I might. Who knows.

But here I am. Just being. And breathing in and out. Learning to fully let go of the control. Going moment by moment. And breathing in and out again and again. And I know I will make through this phase too, as I have done with the others. Even if at the moment it feels like I am surviving day by day, so be it. I have been a control freak, so what did I expect? That this would be easy? Hell no. So I am so proud of myself for being able to just be. In this void. In this empty space. And I keep on breathing. In and out...